I'm well aware that no one cares, but I need to vent.
All I ever do anymore is think. Obsessively. Dramatically. Irrationally. Nothing but incessant brain chatter from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to when I close them again at night. Sometimes it even gets to me in my dreams or wakes me up. My mom has been mentioning recently that I've been very quiet, that I always look like I'm in the middle of some big philosophical discussion in my head. But I'm not-- I'm not at peace, I'm not patient, I'm not rational. It's all constant, back and forth, racing thoughts about the things I've done wrong, the things I want to change, if I could have done things differently would I be where I am right now, etc. I absolutely lose control when I think of future events that could or couldn't happen, always something catastrophic like a bomb or the sun exploding or a new plague that will kill everyone, and I breakdown completely and go into a frenzy of survival. Sometimes the thoughts are directed internally and whenever I feel the slightest pain I'm sure it's my organs getting ready to shut down for no reason at all, or that I have some new infectious disease that no one has heard of. I'm quiet on the outside, but inside it's total chaos. I have so many thoughts at once that normally, ten minutes later, I can't remember even half of what I was thinking about. Sometimes I get so consumed in my thoughts that the entire day will pass before my eyes before I realize it. I drift away when people are talking to me, sometimes even I'm talking to them. I can rarely socialize even with people I know very well because I'm obsessing internally about the little pains I feel and their cause, or about how this person has no idea that I'm a mere 10 seconds away from crumbling into a pile at their feet because of the intensity of my anxiety. I haven't been able to read in months because I lose myself in my thoughts and end up having to read the same sentence 10, 20 times before it makes sense. I have the same problems when trying to watch tv or movies...it only serves as background noise now. I can't enjoy it even when I try. I can hear and communicate but I can't listen or formulate relatable sentences. I'm so busy over-analyzing literally EVERYTHING that I'm incapable of living.
I can't sleep in my room or alone anymore. I have to sleep on the couch closest to my mom's room because the thoughts get to me and convince me that I'll be dead before morning, and I don't want to die alone. I have to have my dogs laying on top of me and my mom in the room next to me just in case it finally happens that night.I'm not concerned with dying anymore, just the pain that will precede it, and going through the process alone. In fact, every time the thought that I might possibly be dying pops into my head, that anxiety is just a cover up for a bigger problem, I somewhat hope I'm right. Everyday I read stories from people who have suffered with anxiety their entire lives, 30 or 40 years of this bullshit. Even if I wanted to do that, which I don't, I couldn't. My anxiety has only been back and raging for a month and I'm already almost at my breaking point.
Whenever I'm able to relay what I'm feeling to someone, they always give me the same advice. "Just change your diet!", or "Just get outside more, socialize!", or my personal favorite, "Just meditate!" Well...fuck you. I can hardly sit still for five minutes without going on a mental tangent that branches off and into 65,000,000,000,000 other thoughts and worries, let alone meditate. I do socialize but it just makes me feel like a shitty person because I can't relate to any other human beings anymore! And my diet...boy, I would LOVE to change my diet but I've resorted back to my lifelong habit of binge eating to cope with this anxiety. I completely understand where this advice is coming from, and I know it's all absolutely plausible, but I don't think they understand where I'm coming from when I say that isn't going to work for me, it's too big now to cure with an hour of quiet relaxation or salads or hanging out with a friend for four hours. I've tried, and I think I know what does and doesn't work for me better than anyone else.
Physically I feel like I'm 90 years old as opposed to the 20 year old I actually am. I have aches and pains all day long, I'm constantly tired--to the point where I feel like I'm about to fall asleep any minute, shortness of breath has become an everyday thing--I can hardly remember what it's like to breathe normally, I expect the chest pains and muscle spasms and heart palpitations just like I expect the sun to rise and set everyday. An overwhelming nervous feeling is the new normal for me. I have moments where I'm not sure if I'm real anymore, if anything is real. Sort of like I smoked a bunch of pot and zoned out. Sometimes I get so dizzy and lightheaded that I start thinking I'm seconds away from passing out. I have very little balance anymore (not that I ever really did in the first place because I'm the clumsiest person you'll ever meet but, believe me, it's worse now than it ever was). There is no such thing as a comfortable position for me anymore...no matter how I sit, stand, lay, or walk, I am unbearably uncomfortable.
All of this is putting my life on hold. Before the anxiety came back, I was improving. Granted, it was very slow, but it was happening. Now I am in a constant cycle of procrastination, laziness, depression, and apathy. I want to get better, but I don't just in case it all comes back when I'm not expecting it. I want to go out and live my life, but I don't want to leave my house in fear of making the panic worse. When the physical symptoms lesson a little I have periods of intense motivation and inspiration, I can completely engross myself in pleasant ideas and hobbies. For short periods I am happy, but only because I'm distracting myself from the big picture. When I remember exactly what it is I'm running from, I fall flat on my face again. One hour I can be thinking about falling in love, going to school, traveling, living my life the way I've always wanted to live it, and the next I'll be going over suicide methods in my head. All of my goals, all of my dreams are being held hostage by my anxiety. It serves as quicksand and it's pulling me down just a little bit deeper everyday. Someday I'll go completely under and we all know what happens when the quicksand absorbs you completely-- you don't ever come back.
All I ever do anymore is think. Obsessively. Dramatically. Irrationally. Nothing but incessant brain chatter from the moment I open my eyes in the morning to when I close them again at night. Sometimes it even gets to me in my dreams or wakes me up. My mom has been mentioning recently that I've been very quiet, that I always look like I'm in the middle of some big philosophical discussion in my head. But I'm not-- I'm not at peace, I'm not patient, I'm not rational. It's all constant, back and forth, racing thoughts about the things I've done wrong, the things I want to change, if I could have done things differently would I be where I am right now, etc. I absolutely lose control when I think of future events that could or couldn't happen, always something catastrophic like a bomb or the sun exploding or a new plague that will kill everyone, and I breakdown completely and go into a frenzy of survival. Sometimes the thoughts are directed internally and whenever I feel the slightest pain I'm sure it's my organs getting ready to shut down for no reason at all, or that I have some new infectious disease that no one has heard of. I'm quiet on the outside, but inside it's total chaos. I have so many thoughts at once that normally, ten minutes later, I can't remember even half of what I was thinking about. Sometimes I get so consumed in my thoughts that the entire day will pass before my eyes before I realize it. I drift away when people are talking to me, sometimes even I'm talking to them. I can rarely socialize even with people I know very well because I'm obsessing internally about the little pains I feel and their cause, or about how this person has no idea that I'm a mere 10 seconds away from crumbling into a pile at their feet because of the intensity of my anxiety. I haven't been able to read in months because I lose myself in my thoughts and end up having to read the same sentence 10, 20 times before it makes sense. I have the same problems when trying to watch tv or movies...it only serves as background noise now. I can't enjoy it even when I try. I can hear and communicate but I can't listen or formulate relatable sentences. I'm so busy over-analyzing literally EVERYTHING that I'm incapable of living.
I can't sleep in my room or alone anymore. I have to sleep on the couch closest to my mom's room because the thoughts get to me and convince me that I'll be dead before morning, and I don't want to die alone. I have to have my dogs laying on top of me and my mom in the room next to me just in case it finally happens that night.I'm not concerned with dying anymore, just the pain that will precede it, and going through the process alone. In fact, every time the thought that I might possibly be dying pops into my head, that anxiety is just a cover up for a bigger problem, I somewhat hope I'm right. Everyday I read stories from people who have suffered with anxiety their entire lives, 30 or 40 years of this bullshit. Even if I wanted to do that, which I don't, I couldn't. My anxiety has only been back and raging for a month and I'm already almost at my breaking point.
Whenever I'm able to relay what I'm feeling to someone, they always give me the same advice. "Just change your diet!", or "Just get outside more, socialize!", or my personal favorite, "Just meditate!" Well...fuck you. I can hardly sit still for five minutes without going on a mental tangent that branches off and into 65,000,000,000,000 other thoughts and worries, let alone meditate. I do socialize but it just makes me feel like a shitty person because I can't relate to any other human beings anymore! And my diet...boy, I would LOVE to change my diet but I've resorted back to my lifelong habit of binge eating to cope with this anxiety. I completely understand where this advice is coming from, and I know it's all absolutely plausible, but I don't think they understand where I'm coming from when I say that isn't going to work for me, it's too big now to cure with an hour of quiet relaxation or salads or hanging out with a friend for four hours. I've tried, and I think I know what does and doesn't work for me better than anyone else.
Physically I feel like I'm 90 years old as opposed to the 20 year old I actually am. I have aches and pains all day long, I'm constantly tired--to the point where I feel like I'm about to fall asleep any minute, shortness of breath has become an everyday thing--I can hardly remember what it's like to breathe normally, I expect the chest pains and muscle spasms and heart palpitations just like I expect the sun to rise and set everyday. An overwhelming nervous feeling is the new normal for me. I have moments where I'm not sure if I'm real anymore, if anything is real. Sort of like I smoked a bunch of pot and zoned out. Sometimes I get so dizzy and lightheaded that I start thinking I'm seconds away from passing out. I have very little balance anymore (not that I ever really did in the first place because I'm the clumsiest person you'll ever meet but, believe me, it's worse now than it ever was). There is no such thing as a comfortable position for me anymore...no matter how I sit, stand, lay, or walk, I am unbearably uncomfortable.
All of this is putting my life on hold. Before the anxiety came back, I was improving. Granted, it was very slow, but it was happening. Now I am in a constant cycle of procrastination, laziness, depression, and apathy. I want to get better, but I don't just in case it all comes back when I'm not expecting it. I want to go out and live my life, but I don't want to leave my house in fear of making the panic worse. When the physical symptoms lesson a little I have periods of intense motivation and inspiration, I can completely engross myself in pleasant ideas and hobbies. For short periods I am happy, but only because I'm distracting myself from the big picture. When I remember exactly what it is I'm running from, I fall flat on my face again. One hour I can be thinking about falling in love, going to school, traveling, living my life the way I've always wanted to live it, and the next I'll be going over suicide methods in my head. All of my goals, all of my dreams are being held hostage by my anxiety. It serves as quicksand and it's pulling me down just a little bit deeper everyday. Someday I'll go completely under and we all know what happens when the quicksand absorbs you completely-- you don't ever come back.
Replies
You seem obsessed with death.
Have you entertained coming clean to anyone close? Someone to guide you physically through this, if it\'s a possibility.
Either the pain will lead you to a better way, or it\'ll consume you... but there\'s always hope. I hope the best for you, these thoughts seem like a personal hell.
I\'m extremely obsessed with death. I have been for...as long as I can remember. I told my therapist about it, but no one else really has the patience to listen to me ramble on about things like this.