I don't know what's going on. I don't know if it's because I'm quitting smoking or just because I suck in general, but my anxiety has gotten so much worse today.
I've been fine for a week and a half now. I wasn't having panic attacks except sometimes when I was trying to sleep, I didn't feel nervous at all, and even though I would have panic attacks I wasn't having any problems sleeping. But now I just feel terrible. It was there when I woke up yesterday morning and it's only gotten worse since. I feel terrible...horrible...wretched. I'm nervous, my chest feels weird, heart palpitations, dry mouth/throat, I physically CANNOT stop eating, I'm paranoid as hell, and all I can think about is that maybe this isn't really anxiety and I'm slowly dying of some unknown heart defect (I've been searching the symptoms on google alllll day long and I've come to the conclusion that I have about 700 fatal illnesses). Even though the idea of having something wrong with me is sort of terrifying, I'm also kind of hoping I do and it really will kill me so I don't have to do it myself. I know I'm weak and a coward, but I hate this so much. Maybe it would be different if I could afford medication or therapy, but I can't. I'm all alone in this. My mom thinks I'm overreacting and I need to "just get over it", and I wish she could understand that just because she could do that doesn't mean I can. I've been trying really hard and it's not working! It's getting worse!
For the first time in my entire life, I really, truly, honestly don't want to die. I want to be alive and live a normal life. But not like this...not while I have all of this crap plaguing me. I've gotten to the point where I hate being awake, but I also hate going to sleep because I know I'll just wake up a few hours later with it still raging inside of me. I want to go back to two months ago when I was completely numb and apathetic. I want my therapist and I want her to talk to me until I'm convinced I can and will be okay. I want my mom to listen to me and understand that I'm drowning in this and it's getting deeper with every second. I want my stupid doctor to acknowledge my attempts to set up an appointment and say "yes, I will give you the medication you need" instead of completely ignoring me or lecturing me on how I should really be going to a psychiatrist instead. I want to be able to drink and do drugs again to numb all of this, but I can't even do that because they make it worse. I am trapped in this hole and it's just getting deeper and deeper and no one will acknowledge that I'm disappearing!
I don't wanna live and I don't wanna die...I'm just trapped. I hate myself and my life so much! Ughhhh.
I've been fine for a week and a half now. I wasn't having panic attacks except sometimes when I was trying to sleep, I didn't feel nervous at all, and even though I would have panic attacks I wasn't having any problems sleeping. But now I just feel terrible. It was there when I woke up yesterday morning and it's only gotten worse since. I feel terrible...horrible...wretched. I'm nervous, my chest feels weird, heart palpitations, dry mouth/throat, I physically CANNOT stop eating, I'm paranoid as hell, and all I can think about is that maybe this isn't really anxiety and I'm slowly dying of some unknown heart defect (I've been searching the symptoms on google alllll day long and I've come to the conclusion that I have about 700 fatal illnesses). Even though the idea of having something wrong with me is sort of terrifying, I'm also kind of hoping I do and it really will kill me so I don't have to do it myself. I know I'm weak and a coward, but I hate this so much. Maybe it would be different if I could afford medication or therapy, but I can't. I'm all alone in this. My mom thinks I'm overreacting and I need to "just get over it", and I wish she could understand that just because she could do that doesn't mean I can. I've been trying really hard and it's not working! It's getting worse!
For the first time in my entire life, I really, truly, honestly don't want to die. I want to be alive and live a normal life. But not like this...not while I have all of this crap plaguing me. I've gotten to the point where I hate being awake, but I also hate going to sleep because I know I'll just wake up a few hours later with it still raging inside of me. I want to go back to two months ago when I was completely numb and apathetic. I want my therapist and I want her to talk to me until I'm convinced I can and will be okay. I want my mom to listen to me and understand that I'm drowning in this and it's getting deeper with every second. I want my stupid doctor to acknowledge my attempts to set up an appointment and say "yes, I will give you the medication you need" instead of completely ignoring me or lecturing me on how I should really be going to a psychiatrist instead. I want to be able to drink and do drugs again to numb all of this, but I can't even do that because they make it worse. I am trapped in this hole and it's just getting deeper and deeper and no one will acknowledge that I'm disappearing!
I don't wanna live and I don't wanna die...I'm just trapped. I hate myself and my life so much! Ughhhh.
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