I went to therapy yesterday. My anxiety started up about an hour before and got progressively worse (11 hours later and it's still here! Yay). By the time I was in her office I was anxious and depressed and didn't want to talk. I showed her my arm and that upset her. So I talked about that for a few minutes. Then she recommended I go in-patient at Hilltop, but I absolutely refused because I hate in-patient more than anything. So she promised me she wouldn't send me to Hilltop or call the cops if I signed a contract saying I wouldn't kill myself and if I would talk to her and be honest. So I did, and I told her that I thought dying was my best option and that I thought no one, even people that cared about me, would really miss me that long and that made her cry. Which made me feel even shittier. She apologized for crying and being "unprofessional" (I don't think crying is unprofessional, dude), but as fucked as it sounds I was actually somewhat happy she cried. Not because I was trying to intentionally hurt her, but because it just felt nice to have someone give a shit for once. I told her about how worthless I feel and how meaningless everything seems and she told me the whole "It's not real, it's the depression making you think" shit. I don't think it really matters if it's "real" or not because I still feel it. And I assume I will continue to feel it forever. She said she was going to call me today to check in, and she even recommended I go buy a bag of weed :D Which I will do.I told her that my mom said she couldn't afford to pay for therapy anymore and she said she would figure out a way to see me for free....that made me so happy. I was freaking out on Wednesday thinking that yesterday would be the last time I saw her, and her offering that took my anxiety down a lot.  I really honestly don't know what I would do without her. She has done more for me in the seven months I've been seeing her than anyone else ever has. And I know I pay her to help, but I think she might honestly care, you know? 
I still feel like killing myself, but I won't and not because of that stupid contract. Only because if I do it now she'll be liable and I don't want to do that to her.