I went to the doctor a week ago and he moved my prescription up from 20mg to 40, and referred me to a psychiatrist (who I have an appointment with on Monday). I'm actually really terrified to talk to her. I'm scared I'm going to be hospitalized again, or diagnosed with something worse than I suspected. And I also feel very guilty about it, particularly because of my mother. We can't afford all of this, and I still have no job. She talks constantly about how much she'll hate doing overtime (which I understand) to pay for this, and I honestly think she's slowly trying to talk me out of it. I think that, if the meds weren't working, we would have gotten into a fight and I would have refused to go like I normally do. But part of me really wants to go, because I think it will help a lot. It's just weird that I've been looking forward to the day I get a therapist for years, and now that it's finally happening I'm considering chickening out.
 
But I'm going. I have to do it for me, and for the people that care about me. I think I owe them and myself at least the chance that I'll get better and be "normal"-ish for once.