Every day I realize that I hate my mother more and more with every word that comes out of her mouth. She spews NOTHING BUT negativity, even when she's talking about something positive. All she ever talks about (I'm not exaggerating one bit) is bills, and finances, and how much she hates work/her life/everyone. And when she's not bitching about any of the things previously listed, she's saying things like "I want to run away" or "I might as well be dead" and "I don't want this life anymore". I'm sure she's suicidal, she's told me she is before during fights. And I'm sure she's depressed or bi polar or something of that sort. But even if someone were to take her hand and physically lead her to help, she wouldn't take it. I honestly think she enjoys being miserable, and because of that, she wants everyone to be miserable with her. That's why she refuses to take me or what I'm going through seriously, because she wants me to suffer and end up just like her.
If that isn't the case then she's an idiot. She "vents" to me constantly, sometimes to the point where she's screaming at me over something I had absolutely nothing to do with. Honest to everything, I cannot remember hearing something positive come out of her mouth in at least a year. She comes home from work and bitches about her co-workers and her clients. She'll ask me to go to the store with her so she can trap me in the car and tell me things like "We're so broke, I want to cry. We're gonna end up living under the 5th Street bridge", or she'll yell at me because she's in debt and has a mortgage to pay. I'm unemployed and I can literally do nothing. I have like 50 cents to my name and she expects me to fix all of this for her? She's honestly traumatized me with this crap. I'm scared to death to move out or get a job for fear that I'm never going to have any money and I'll constantly be in debt, or that she'll expect me to support her.
She's also made it so I have to question myself constantly. Sometimes I feel like I'm the reason her life is so messed up. If she wouldn't have gotten pregnant with me she wouldn't have had to stay with my dad, and then he wouldn't have had the chance to fuck her up emotionally like he did. Which brings me to another topic: I can't admit to loving or missing my dead father because it makes my mom angry. I'm not allowed to grieve over someone that meant A LOT to me because she didn't like him. I even have to hide the pictures I have of him. She wouldn't even take me to his memorial service, I had to ask my friend to take me.
My mom isn't an idiot, so I know she can't be dumb enough to think I'm ok with this and it won't hurt me a bit. She has to know that it's literally destroying me. I have so much anxiety over my future because of her that most days I'm almost positive I'll have no choice but to kill myself someday, because I honestly don't feel like I can endure my future and I wouldn't want to if I could. All I can do is numb myself with drugs and sprinkle my skin with scar tissue until the day where I finally lose it comes and I end it.
If that isn't the case then she's an idiot. She "vents" to me constantly, sometimes to the point where she's screaming at me over something I had absolutely nothing to do with. Honest to everything, I cannot remember hearing something positive come out of her mouth in at least a year. She comes home from work and bitches about her co-workers and her clients. She'll ask me to go to the store with her so she can trap me in the car and tell me things like "We're so broke, I want to cry. We're gonna end up living under the 5th Street bridge", or she'll yell at me because she's in debt and has a mortgage to pay. I'm unemployed and I can literally do nothing. I have like 50 cents to my name and she expects me to fix all of this for her? She's honestly traumatized me with this crap. I'm scared to death to move out or get a job for fear that I'm never going to have any money and I'll constantly be in debt, or that she'll expect me to support her.
She's also made it so I have to question myself constantly. Sometimes I feel like I'm the reason her life is so messed up. If she wouldn't have gotten pregnant with me she wouldn't have had to stay with my dad, and then he wouldn't have had the chance to fuck her up emotionally like he did. Which brings me to another topic: I can't admit to loving or missing my dead father because it makes my mom angry. I'm not allowed to grieve over someone that meant A LOT to me because she didn't like him. I even have to hide the pictures I have of him. She wouldn't even take me to his memorial service, I had to ask my friend to take me.
My mom isn't an idiot, so I know she can't be dumb enough to think I'm ok with this and it won't hurt me a bit. She has to know that it's literally destroying me. I have so much anxiety over my future because of her that most days I'm almost positive I'll have no choice but to kill myself someday, because I honestly don't feel like I can endure my future and I wouldn't want to if I could. All I can do is numb myself with drugs and sprinkle my skin with scar tissue until the day where I finally lose it comes and I end it.
Replies