I'm only writing this because I can't cut, and I'm going to explode if I can't get it out.
I tried to kill myself yesterday. I don't really understand what happened. I stayed up all night and was in an ok mood, even though I had cut four times around 2 am. But my sister's husband started a fight with me on my status on facebook, something he does constantly. In his last comment he told me to do everyone a favor and shoot myself. I deleted him after that, and he kept sending "shoot shoot shoot!" to me through messages. That's when I just lost it. I don't know why either, because he's said the same thing so many times.
I sat on the edge of my bed for a minute and kind of hyperventilated. When I snapped out of it I stood up and went into the kitchen, and I grabbed this huge bottle of Tylenol we have in the "medicine cupboard". It was like 500 capsules of 200 mg acetaminophen or something. For some reason I poured the pills out into my hand instead of just taking the bottle and I dropped pills everywhere, and as I walked back to my room they were falling out of my hand. There was a trail of pills all the way from the kitchen to my room. I thought I laid the pills on the corner of my bed (I guess I didn't) and went to get something to wash them down with, and even though I was about to die, all I cared about was changing my clothes so the paramedics or coroner or whoever wouldn't see my fat, disgusting legs. So I got a cup of water and went to the dryer to look for pants, but my mom was doing laundry and kept asking me why I looked so funny. I guess, while I was digging through the clothes, she walked out through the kitchen and saw the pills on the floor. She said something like "These will kill the dogs, you know" and I saw pills in her hand and thought she had went in my room and took the pills I had. So I ran past her and into my room and I didn't see the pills, so I stood in front of my door and looked around for them. She's stronger than me, so she pushed the door open anyway and I just screamed "Where are they?! Give them back!". She looked really confused and said "What the hell are you talking about? Give what back?" So I looked around again and I still didn't see them, and I said "The fucking pills! You took them, give them fucking back!" She was still confused and said "What pills? What are you doing?". I was convinced she had taken them, so I ran past her and back to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, which still had quite a few pills in it. She tried to wrestle it out of my hand but I was too fast. I went back in my room and tried to stand in front of the door again, but she got the door open and just kept saying "What the hell are you doing" over and over again. I was so out of it that all I could do was scream at her and tell her to get out and to leave me alone and forget what she saw. She refused to leave so I got really angry, and I started slamming my face into my wall and screaming for her to get out repeatedly. I looked over at her and she was kind of laughing, because she thought I was fucking with her, and it made me even angrier that she was laughing at me when this was happening. So I started trying to push her out of the room, but my brother woke up and was standing in the doorway. He's only fourteen, but he's huge and really strong, so when he pushed me back I went flying. All I could think to do was stand there and scream and cry and beg them to leave, but my mom said "I'm not going anywhere until I get the pills". Then my brother said "She has like sixty aspirin wrapped in tinfoil in a box somewhere, probably in her closet." That really surprised me because I put them in that box over two years ago and had completely forgotten about them, and no one knew I had them. Then I got angry because I knew then that he was going through my stuff when I was gone, and I started yelling about that. My mom said "Now I'm not leaving until I find those pills, and get the rest of them that are on the floor" but I couldn't do anything other than scream "get out" at the top of my lungs over and over again. The whole time I felt like they were secretly making fun of me, and going along with it for their amusement because they kept staring at me and saying nothing. So I told them that, and I told them that I didn't understand why they were doing this because they didn't care, and everyone in our family hates me because I can't get a job and I leech off of everyone and spend all of our money on cigarettes, and I kept trying to convince my mom that I was trying to help her by doing this, because I really feel like my dying would help her. In fact, I know it would. Financially at least. All she would say was "Right, Cortney, I don't care that my daughter, who I've spent the last 18 years raising, is trying to take a bottle of pills. That's why I'm in here trying to stop you, because I don't care." Finally she pushed past me and started picking up the pills. I knew I couldn't stop her, so I went and sat in the corner of my bed and cried into the wall. She sat on my floor and stared at me, and said nothing, for almost an hour. She had my brother bring her the phone so she could call in sick to work. I just wanted her to leave, so I grabbed this steak knife I had on my stand, that I use to take apart shavers to get the blades, and threatened to slit my throat. But m brother wrestled the knife out of my hand and that was it. After a while I stopped crying so hard, and she finally agreed to leave as long as I gave her all of my razors and I left the door open. So I did, because I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. But I'm under constant supervision now, so that isn't going to happen.My brother texted my friend and told her what was happening. She texted me and I told her to stay away, because I didn't want to see anyone. But she came over anyway and it really pissed me off. She sat on my floor and asked me questions about serial killers, because I study them constantly. I was pissed that she was making small talk at a time like that, and I still am because that's what she always does. She always changes the subject when she gets uncomfortable. Now I just want to be left alone forever. I don't want to face anyone, not even my mother. I wish it was possible to sleep for years at a time. Now I keep thinking about this quote from White Oleander. Before the character named Claire kills herself, she tells Astrid, "Take my advice, stay away from broken people." It's so true...we fuck up everything and everyone in our path.
I tried to kill myself yesterday. I don't really understand what happened. I stayed up all night and was in an ok mood, even though I had cut four times around 2 am. But my sister's husband started a fight with me on my status on facebook, something he does constantly. In his last comment he told me to do everyone a favor and shoot myself. I deleted him after that, and he kept sending "shoot shoot shoot!" to me through messages. That's when I just lost it. I don't know why either, because he's said the same thing so many times.
I sat on the edge of my bed for a minute and kind of hyperventilated. When I snapped out of it I stood up and went into the kitchen, and I grabbed this huge bottle of Tylenol we have in the "medicine cupboard". It was like 500 capsules of 200 mg acetaminophen or something. For some reason I poured the pills out into my hand instead of just taking the bottle and I dropped pills everywhere, and as I walked back to my room they were falling out of my hand. There was a trail of pills all the way from the kitchen to my room. I thought I laid the pills on the corner of my bed (I guess I didn't) and went to get something to wash them down with, and even though I was about to die, all I cared about was changing my clothes so the paramedics or coroner or whoever wouldn't see my fat, disgusting legs. So I got a cup of water and went to the dryer to look for pants, but my mom was doing laundry and kept asking me why I looked so funny. I guess, while I was digging through the clothes, she walked out through the kitchen and saw the pills on the floor. She said something like "These will kill the dogs, you know" and I saw pills in her hand and thought she had went in my room and took the pills I had. So I ran past her and into my room and I didn't see the pills, so I stood in front of my door and looked around for them. She's stronger than me, so she pushed the door open anyway and I just screamed "Where are they?! Give them back!". She looked really confused and said "What the hell are you talking about? Give what back?" So I looked around again and I still didn't see them, and I said "The fucking pills! You took them, give them fucking back!" She was still confused and said "What pills? What are you doing?". I was convinced she had taken them, so I ran past her and back to the kitchen and grabbed the bottle, which still had quite a few pills in it. She tried to wrestle it out of my hand but I was too fast. I went back in my room and tried to stand in front of the door again, but she got the door open and just kept saying "What the hell are you doing" over and over again. I was so out of it that all I could do was scream at her and tell her to get out and to leave me alone and forget what she saw. She refused to leave so I got really angry, and I started slamming my face into my wall and screaming for her to get out repeatedly. I looked over at her and she was kind of laughing, because she thought I was fucking with her, and it made me even angrier that she was laughing at me when this was happening. So I started trying to push her out of the room, but my brother woke up and was standing in the doorway. He's only fourteen, but he's huge and really strong, so when he pushed me back I went flying. All I could think to do was stand there and scream and cry and beg them to leave, but my mom said "I'm not going anywhere until I get the pills". Then my brother said "She has like sixty aspirin wrapped in tinfoil in a box somewhere, probably in her closet." That really surprised me because I put them in that box over two years ago and had completely forgotten about them, and no one knew I had them. Then I got angry because I knew then that he was going through my stuff when I was gone, and I started yelling about that. My mom said "Now I'm not leaving until I find those pills, and get the rest of them that are on the floor" but I couldn't do anything other than scream "get out" at the top of my lungs over and over again. The whole time I felt like they were secretly making fun of me, and going along with it for their amusement because they kept staring at me and saying nothing. So I told them that, and I told them that I didn't understand why they were doing this because they didn't care, and everyone in our family hates me because I can't get a job and I leech off of everyone and spend all of our money on cigarettes, and I kept trying to convince my mom that I was trying to help her by doing this, because I really feel like my dying would help her. In fact, I know it would. Financially at least. All she would say was "Right, Cortney, I don't care that my daughter, who I've spent the last 18 years raising, is trying to take a bottle of pills. That's why I'm in here trying to stop you, because I don't care." Finally she pushed past me and started picking up the pills. I knew I couldn't stop her, so I went and sat in the corner of my bed and cried into the wall. She sat on my floor and stared at me, and said nothing, for almost an hour. She had my brother bring her the phone so she could call in sick to work. I just wanted her to leave, so I grabbed this steak knife I had on my stand, that I use to take apart shavers to get the blades, and threatened to slit my throat. But m brother wrestled the knife out of my hand and that was it. After a while I stopped crying so hard, and she finally agreed to leave as long as I gave her all of my razors and I left the door open. So I did, because I just wanted everyone to leave me alone. But I'm under constant supervision now, so that isn't going to happen.My brother texted my friend and told her what was happening. She texted me and I told her to stay away, because I didn't want to see anyone. But she came over anyway and it really pissed me off. She sat on my floor and asked me questions about serial killers, because I study them constantly. I was pissed that she was making small talk at a time like that, and I still am because that's what she always does. She always changes the subject when she gets uncomfortable. Now I just want to be left alone forever. I don't want to face anyone, not even my mother. I wish it was possible to sleep for years at a time. Now I keep thinking about this quote from White Oleander. Before the character named Claire kills herself, she tells Astrid, "Take my advice, stay away from broken people." It's so true...we fuck up everything and everyone in our path.
Replies
i\'m sorry things are so hard. Its hard to see that people care to you when you\'re so distressed. I hope you come to believe how much you have to offer. Things may seem hopeless but life is a cycle and things will change.