I’m so confused and all of my emotions are conflicted, I really don’t know what to do or how to feel.
My dad’s obituary was published, and I found out he was living in Idaho this entire time and that he had a wife and was in college. While he was living that life, my mom, my little brother, and myself were barely able to fucking survive. My mom had to work all day, six days a week for a while, to support us and pay the mortgage on the house they bought together, because his name was on the title and she couldn’t legally sell it to get a cheaper house. And the entire nine years he was gone, he sent FIVE child support checks. Three of them for only $25, out of the 90 something thousand he owes us. And he obviously had money, he could have fucking paid. I can tell by the picture they published of him that he had money!
It seems like while he was living this wonderful life, he forgot about me and left me to rot in a pile of shit. I’ve spent the last four days grieving over him. I’ve cried over his death every single day, I’ve slept maybe six hours and have been completely numb since I found out he died. But now, I can finally feel something, and I’m so angry. I’ve never been this angry in my life. My jaw is locking up, and I can’t breathe right, and I’ve been crying so long my face hurts, and it’s all because I have this overwhelming feeling that he honestly didn’t give a fuck about me. I’ve been torturing myself and agonizing about the letter I sent him six years ago, thinking that he died thinking I hated him, but now I don’t think he would have even cared. I doubt I was even in his memory the day he died. Now I’m curious as to whether he gave a shit about me even before he left us.
As hurt and as angry as I am, I still feel so helpless and empty. And I feel terrible for hating him now, because four days ago I loved him more than anything. But I also feel terrible for ever loving him after I found out about all of this.I feel cheated and alone and confused as fuck. I feel like I’m betraying my mom and my brother by grieving, and I feel like I’m betraying him by being so angry. It’s like I can’t win no matter what I do or how I feel. I hate this.
My dad’s obituary was published, and I found out he was living in Idaho this entire time and that he had a wife and was in college. While he was living that life, my mom, my little brother, and myself were barely able to fucking survive. My mom had to work all day, six days a week for a while, to support us and pay the mortgage on the house they bought together, because his name was on the title and she couldn’t legally sell it to get a cheaper house. And the entire nine years he was gone, he sent FIVE child support checks. Three of them for only $25, out of the 90 something thousand he owes us. And he obviously had money, he could have fucking paid. I can tell by the picture they published of him that he had money!
It seems like while he was living this wonderful life, he forgot about me and left me to rot in a pile of shit. I’ve spent the last four days grieving over him. I’ve cried over his death every single day, I’ve slept maybe six hours and have been completely numb since I found out he died. But now, I can finally feel something, and I’m so angry. I’ve never been this angry in my life. My jaw is locking up, and I can’t breathe right, and I’ve been crying so long my face hurts, and it’s all because I have this overwhelming feeling that he honestly didn’t give a fuck about me. I’ve been torturing myself and agonizing about the letter I sent him six years ago, thinking that he died thinking I hated him, but now I don’t think he would have even cared. I doubt I was even in his memory the day he died. Now I’m curious as to whether he gave a shit about me even before he left us.
As hurt and as angry as I am, I still feel so helpless and empty. And I feel terrible for hating him now, because four days ago I loved him more than anything. But I also feel terrible for ever loving him after I found out about all of this.I feel cheated and alone and confused as fuck. I feel like I’m betraying my mom and my brother by grieving, and I feel like I’m betraying him by being so angry. It’s like I can’t win no matter what I do or how I feel. I hate this.
Replies