i have an appt for a mental health intake.  we're gonna c what can b done about my depression and suicidal thoughts.  im scared that either it wont help or that the side effects of meds will b worse than the depression.  my hope is that with assistance ill b able 2 come out of the fog. last night i got a massage.  that was nice. i took a shower and oiled my body.  put on some good smelling oil and put on some lingerie.  i felt good.  husband kept looking @ me but didnt finish the deal.  he seemed interested but didnt initiate sex.  big shocker there.  maybe its 4 the best.  if im trying 2 separate myself from him somewhat.  not having sex is a good way 2 do it.   my feelings 4 him r so confused.  i love him but i am very hurt by what he did.  i dont understand it.  i cant separate him from what hes done.  well i guess i can sometimes.  4 short periods.  sometimes i just enjoy his company and dont think about what hes done.   i am very cynical about marriage right now.  he sd that when hes depressed he usually has no interest in sex but with his lover that wasnt the case.  he sd he hd feelings that were out of character.  we get along but i enjoy sex and i enjoy being desired and its what i expected in a marriage and even with friendship thats missing.   its breaking my heart. and proves 2 me my lack of worth.  i know that it shouldnt matter what someone else thinks of me, but it does.