i wanted 2 die yday.  i went 2 the hosp looking 4 help. there was a 6 hr wait.  i went 2 church & wanted my husband 2 hug me if not help & he didn't.  i left.  i got some food and went home.  i ate and then considered taking 16 advil pms.  i counted them and played with them.  put them in a line.  i was afraid not that id die but that i wldnt and id b alive locked up somewhere away from my children.  when i was walking away from the useless hospital i was thinking God please kill me and send someone wonderful 2 take care of my children.  so i called my boi who live out of town and he didnt answer.  i texted my hus throughout the day and he didnt respond 2 many of them.  he was @ church.  he sd that he was sure that i wouldbt kill myself since he and the children wld find me.  i didnt think about any of that.  i wanted someone 2 talk me out of it.  i called hus after service and he answered and put me on hold.  i hung up and called my boi back.  he answered and talked 2 me until hus came home.  i took 2 of the advils while on the phone with him.  hus came home i dont remember all of what we talked about.  he feels powerless and when i cry over my sadness he doesnt reach out 2 me b/c he feels he caused it.  i dont feel he did.  this situation openned the flood gates.  marriage: i thought that we would b in love 4ever.  and he left me emotionally and was 2 much of a coward 2 leave me physically.  he hid the truth from me.  and wife was a badge of honor and its not anymore.  i feel like wife is an infirmity or detriment.  im here for my children.  i love my husband but thats not enough.  and after this i dont love him the same.  im so saddened by his adultery.  sad angry distraught disgusted dispairing.  i feel unloved.  he is trying 2 love me now and he doesnt understand why it doesnt count more.  it does count but i think that it will take a lot of this consitant love 2 erase or lessesn the effects of the affair.  i dont know whats gonna happen.  i just know i nd 2 state my independence and b more than just a wife.  who is naima?  i nd 2 find that out.  i dont know.