i feel empty and so tired.  i cant make my h b sensitive. i used 2 think of him that way, but not anymore.  i have no control over my own life.  it hurts so much.  i cant make him love me.  I DID NOT WANT 2 B ALONE AGAIN.  I DID NOT WANT 2 RAISE 3 CHILDREN ALONE.  The relationship that i had is over. but i dont get 2 start all over.  somehow i have 2 forgive him and trust him or its a wrap.  BUT I DONT WANT TO.  I DONT WANT 2 TRUST HIM.  I DONT WANT 2 .....i want some kind of vindication.  I DONT WANT 2 LOVE SOMEONE WHO WOULD TREAT ME THIS WAY.  I have enough issues 2 deal with.  enuf issues of my own & my children and wanting 2 finish school.  i feel abused.  hes been so selfish over the years and this is the worst.  i dont want 2 remain the dutiful wife.  there seems 2 b no positive in that.  i loved him fully & he cheated on me for 2 years.  i dont know that theres any getting over that.  i got over being raped, but i dont regularly live with my rapist.  i dont live with him.  as a christian im supposed 2 forgive and do like Christ and throw it in the sea of 4getfulness.  i dont know if i can do that and continue 2 b in a relationship with him.  i feel i will always feel minimized, lower than him.  unspecial.  less important. like the support of his star.  i dont wanna b that anymore.  pastor sd that this is neither an easy or short process.  she asked me if i was ok.  i sd no.  she sd i wont b 4 some time.  so what do i do in the interim? im thinking of moving in with my mom temp. after i get a job i may move out.  pastor sd that he shd move out.  id like a break from kids.  ive been a single parent and  i dont wanna b.  maybe if we cant work this out ill leave the children with him. maybe joint custody.  im really thinking about divorce.  thats scary.  i made a long list of things he does that irritate me.  some small.  some large.  the positive list is much shorter. much shorter.  those things were hard 2 take at times,but i guess i accepted them.  i dont know that i can accept them after this.  maybe if he can change then i can stay, but if he cant i think its a wrap.  i wont b in the same unequal marriage.  not now.  if he wont change then its a wrap.