im watchin oprah. this woman who was abused.  i guess im reminding myself that it cld b worse.  i sometimes  feel that ive been abused by s mother.  and im starting to wonder if shes telling the truth. i hate her.  and i am beginning 2 hate my h.  i cant  shake it & i dont know who 2 talk2.  i dont want a divorce.  i really dont.  and its not b/c im afraid  2 b alone....its not b/c id b a single parent..its b/c i love s....i thnk....im not sure.  his mother sd that i dont love him.  i feel that he is emotionally unavailable. i told him that i did not consider his mother a part of my fam. then last night he says that he therefore does not need 2 discuss w/me what they talk about....it doesnt concern me.  i feel trapped. i am so angry.  and i can't stop being angry.  i dont wanna talk 2 my mother.  shell either b overly concerned or not concerned enuf.  i called my pastor 2 mk an appt 4  counselling, but she wasnt there.  the gurls r upstairs b/c the oprah show is graphic. i cried as s  was leaving 4 work.  he sd if i wanted 2 tlk.  i want 2 tlk but not 2 him.  didnt get a response from the post office again tday.  i dreamt that i was hired.  s thinks that ill b happier if i just get a job.  i thnk it will b a great distraction. i thnk we will grow further apart and we will b more equal as parents.  i will b alone w/the kids less.