Moving On
Dad left a message telling me to get out of his life. So, that's it. End of an era. Funny, because a year before my husband passed I woke up with the knowledge that I would lose my husband and be alone within a year. Call it a dream, but to me it was a whisper in my ear from God. At the time it was just me, my husband, and my bird and dog. My father was also part of our family although we didn't live with him. I remember the cold fear of dread that came over me as I closed my eyes and imagined being in the house by myself.
In the vision I was told that when the bird died it would began. And so it did and one year later I was alone. Except for my father. And that was the strangest thing about it. He was alive and I'd thought it meant he would die too. I was terrified. At the time I really loved my father. I respected him too. He might have had his moments years before, but I'd forgiven him and saw him as the man who had been there for my mom in her final days. Now, I know there is a different kind of death because on the day my husband passed, my father's relationship with me was never the same. In reality, the father I knew died on the same day my husband passed.
I mean, dad still lived,but he spent most of his waking hours finding things to say to hurt me. He'd say your husband never wanted to be around you or you did nothing for your mother. Both statements were so far from the truth that I thought it was dementia. Maybe I just wanted to believe that because of all the arguments we'd had in the past, he'd never said cruel things to me. He'd never attacked me verbally. I couldn't accept the truth.
His words were so cruel, so calculating and to say such poisonous things to someone barely hanging on to life. I'd lost the love of my life and my father was trying his best to push me off the ledge. Half the time I wanted to die, but God kept me here.
Now I look back and wonder why. I'm a smart woman. Reasonably intelligent. So how then did I miss something remarkable. My father's hatred for me is palpable, yet even my own mother didn't see it because if she had, she'd have done everything possible to get me away from him.
Regrets. I've heard so many say they have regrets about the relationship they had with a parent. I don't plan to have them. I've been through enough regrets involving my father to last a lifetime. So in the future I will remember my father as the man who existed up to the passing of my husband. The person who exist now will remain a mystery and nothing more.
In the vision I was told that when the bird died it would began. And so it did and one year later I was alone. Except for my father. And that was the strangest thing about it. He was alive and I'd thought it meant he would die too. I was terrified. At the time I really loved my father. I respected him too. He might have had his moments years before, but I'd forgiven him and saw him as the man who had been there for my mom in her final days. Now, I know there is a different kind of death because on the day my husband passed, my father's relationship with me was never the same. In reality, the father I knew died on the same day my husband passed.
I mean, dad still lived,but he spent most of his waking hours finding things to say to hurt me. He'd say your husband never wanted to be around you or you did nothing for your mother. Both statements were so far from the truth that I thought it was dementia. Maybe I just wanted to believe that because of all the arguments we'd had in the past, he'd never said cruel things to me. He'd never attacked me verbally. I couldn't accept the truth.
His words were so cruel, so calculating and to say such poisonous things to someone barely hanging on to life. I'd lost the love of my life and my father was trying his best to push me off the ledge. Half the time I wanted to die, but God kept me here.
Now I look back and wonder why. I'm a smart woman. Reasonably intelligent. So how then did I miss something remarkable. My father's hatred for me is palpable, yet even my own mother didn't see it because if she had, she'd have done everything possible to get me away from him.
Regrets. I've heard so many say they have regrets about the relationship they had with a parent. I don't plan to have them. I've been through enough regrets involving my father to last a lifetime. So in the future I will remember my father as the man who existed up to the passing of my husband. The person who exist now will remain a mystery and nothing more.
Replies
If your father cut you off, then that is as it should be and just put yourself first and enjoy your life here and now. The past is buried. We only have the now. Lets do the best with the now we have before we have more regrets in the future.
So true, Diane. Now, I\'ve got to make myself do it. So hard when they\'re 86. If he was 50, no problem.
I\'m sorry to say it doesn\'t make any difference what their age is, he cut you off, don\'t be a guppy and get pulled back in by your not wanting to ignore him. Sometimes to preserve our own well being we have to learn when to finally give up....I know it is not easy, the fighting with all the what if\'s, should I\'s, could I, I ought to\'s, would\'ve/could\'ve/should\'ve.....BUT sometimes we have to just let them do what they want to do, even if that is pushing us away....take care, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers...hugs, Sandi
You have gone through enough with your father. Of course, you have already forgiven him once, and you know that you will again. That is just the way of the Lord. We forgive in order to not be bitter.
I wish it was different for you and him, but, it isn\'t, so, there you go. We\'ve kind of discussed this before. I know it will be hard to not call and check on him, but, that\'s the way he wants it ~~ so be it!
My prayers are with you.
Hugs, Joely