Dad
It's hard to say goodbye, but that's what I'm doing. My dad has a troubled life. He has mental issues going back to WW2. I'd hoped that my strength and preserverance could help his situation. Sadly, I was wrong. Instead, I'm like the man trying to rescue a distressed swimmer, only to find himself drowning along with the man due to his efforts. The facts are that I'm ineffective as a daughter. A year ago I could not admit this. I was weak, still hurting from the loss of my husband. But now, my eyes are open. I'm simply ill equipped to handle a mental issue of this magnitude.
I've tried. I've failed. I'm standing in my truth and moving on.
I didn't go down without a fight. I called a lawyer asking for help. Sadly, the mental health system in this country fails us. There's no help that I can get for my father and he is too wrapped up in his own perfection to seek it. He used to be on medication, but now, like so many others suffering from the ravages of mental illness, he refuses to take medication. He is healed he said. But that is far from the truth.
I'm a forgiving person. I tried to walk in the light of God, so I've already forgiven him. He is sick. He can not help what he is. I know that on an intellectual level. Emotionally there is a different story. Tonight he cursed me out. In all my life I've never heard him utter a single profanity. It was then that I realize that my presence was not helping him. Instead I'm destroying him, I'm taking away any chance of a life in Heaven and I'm doing it selfishly. And so I give up.
This is not my father's fault. This is a flaw in who I am. I'm simply not strong enough to endure a mental disease of this magnitued. I simply can't go on constantly fighting to save someone who is incapable of accepting help. And so I join the others who have left him. I am not proud of my decision. I feel the regrets already. I am weak and have nothing more to give. In my heart of hearts I will love my father as long as I exist. But sometimes that is not good enough.
This is the 55 year story of a daughter who has leapt into the lake of fire trying to save a man who can not be saved by a mere mortal. This is me walking away.
I've tried. I've failed. I'm standing in my truth and moving on.
I didn't go down without a fight. I called a lawyer asking for help. Sadly, the mental health system in this country fails us. There's no help that I can get for my father and he is too wrapped up in his own perfection to seek it. He used to be on medication, but now, like so many others suffering from the ravages of mental illness, he refuses to take medication. He is healed he said. But that is far from the truth.
I'm a forgiving person. I tried to walk in the light of God, so I've already forgiven him. He is sick. He can not help what he is. I know that on an intellectual level. Emotionally there is a different story. Tonight he cursed me out. In all my life I've never heard him utter a single profanity. It was then that I realize that my presence was not helping him. Instead I'm destroying him, I'm taking away any chance of a life in Heaven and I'm doing it selfishly. And so I give up.
This is not my father's fault. This is a flaw in who I am. I'm simply not strong enough to endure a mental disease of this magnitued. I simply can't go on constantly fighting to save someone who is incapable of accepting help. And so I join the others who have left him. I am not proud of my decision. I feel the regrets already. I am weak and have nothing more to give. In my heart of hearts I will love my father as long as I exist. But sometimes that is not good enough.
This is the 55 year story of a daughter who has leapt into the lake of fire trying to save a man who can not be saved by a mere mortal. This is me walking away.
Replies
I am so sorry. You can only do your best and you have. I hope you are able to survive this added burden to your life.
((((HUGS))))
Karl
I am sorry for the troubles you have with your dad and his illness... Somehow it makes me think of my dad who also was wwii veteran... But my dad was successful in business but not on subject of family... He tormented us kids and his grandkids too... None of which were mine... No kids for me... But dad was a prima dona... Hard to get along with
Truhal, the fact that you are unable to continue to fight for a person who does not want to be fought for, does not make you a flawed individual. It makes you a person who knows your boundaries, and you have done all you are capable of to help, and beyond, even. You cannot do it alone, no one can. You have shown a tremendous patience and courage both by being there, and by walking away. Do not blame yourself for being unable to cure an affliction that was not caused by you. Be proud of your efforts, grieve, and know that you are actually strong, not weak, and be proud of who you are, which is someone kind, caring, and dedicated - that is not a flaw....
Do not put yourself down for not having the strength to help your father. You held the longest out of the people in your dad\'s life. That deserves accolades all by itself. My ex-husband suffered mental problems which I could no longer tolerate so we separated and got divorced. Even my daughter cannot tolerate for any length of time. Its hard when the ones you love have a mental problem which is out of our hands. Your father\'s mental problems is out of your hands and was never in your hands to begin with in the first place. The people in your dads life and including yourself, did the best that each of you could with your own skills, knowledge and capabilities. It is no ones fault for not being able to help your dad. Unless your dad admits he has a mental problem and then goes to the proper channels like a psychiatrist etc to get help, he will never be helped. Its just like an alcoholic who are the last ones to admit they have a problem but they do. Unless your dad admits to it, he will never ever be able to get the kind of help that he needs. The help your dad needs is not something the average person can help him with including yourself. You stayed the longest and tried your best. It was futile for anyone to try to help your dad as he needs severe professional help.
God looks down on you and I am sure you will get your rewards in heaven for trying to help your dad and staying the longest out of everyone in your dad\'s life. God knows the truth.
Don\'t ever blame yourself. You are beautiful and wonderful just the way you are now in this life. You are a child of God and that is a great thing. I thank God for my Daily Strength friends including you. We help one another on this hard and sometimes cruel road of life. God loves you so much and knows you did your ultimate best. Don\'t own blame or shame or guilt. Let those things go. Build on the positive things and people that you have now in your life. Build on your faith in Jesus. Keep on trucking.
From your Daily Strength friend and one in Christ Diane B.
Be kind to yourself....at some point when we have done all that we can do and we can\'t do anything more without getting hurt more ourselves, we have to have the intelligence to know we have to remove our self from the situation. It sounds like you have come to that point, I\'m so sorry for you, that it hurts this much but you are strong, you are not a failure, you are a human being that has had to face some cold hard facts....take care, keeping you in my thoughts and prayers and your dad that he gets the help he needs...hugs, Sandi