Stop.

That's what it feels like. Everything has come to a stop. No more planning for a long term future, no more hoping for a cure. I feel empty about it all but so very sad for Sarah and William.
I worry how I would cope if we did lose Sarah. Could I keep William together when I'll be a mess? My only future thoughts are worries and that hurts me deeply.
I hate the selfish worries most of all. Will I be alone for ever once Sarah has gone? How will I survive? Swimming in rubbish.
I have tried to talk about it but I can only listen, letting Sarah get it out. Getting by on fascination of science isn't going to last. Sooner or later I am going to be hit by the emotion and pain of it and I am going to have to deal with it without upsetting everyone.
There has always been pressure on me to behave as 'normal people do', some of it justified, other times, just nit-picking but now I am going to have to act angelic to avoid stress. It may go beyond what I am capable of and that scares me.
So much information to absorb. The transplant is Sarah's best chance of long-term survival but even that carries a mortality rate of 50% after 5 years. The flip side to that is several transplantees have run marathons to raise money so my wife and others could have this chance.
It is once again selfishness to say that I am glad that I don't have to make this decision it just makes me miserable to think that it is my gorgeous wife and I cannot help her.
I just want this all to go away. I know they cured PAH in rats, they should hurry the fuck up trying to cure humans.