he won't allow me time alone, to myself, my space. I had to yell at him the the other night...after him trying to F "ing lie to me....about him forgetting about 2 of our weekly sessions together.
HE was the one who brought it up, and we both thought it was a good idea....this is AFTER I blew up on him about a month ago...Well, that was the first and ONLY...He "took a week off" last week without telling me....., this past week, he asked if it was okay to postpone as we were both tired.
He F>>>>>>> tried to lie about it...then I caught him in a lie. I threw my book across the dresser and went downstairs to tend to the kids...and to cool off from beating on him.... Came upstairs to him in fetal position crying. How the hell am I to react to this cycle time after time??? I loved him one time. I was deeply IN LOVE with him, if he woulda stopped and looked and listened...but, as I told him the other night, or yelled at him...it's all gone.
I see him as a paycheck and a caregiver...just as he's seen me all of these years. I was there when HE needed me. I needed my best friend, my lover, my partner...and he was nowhere. I was all alone.
I was his sex vessel, his mothering nurturer, his babysitter, his maid, his accountant, his housewife...anything but his equal. He was never able to tell me what was going on inside.
After 9 years of neglect, I don't believe I have anything left to give. I know I don't. I just don't feel it
THAT IS MY PROBLEM....all this time he never knew why himself....but he needs to acknowledge what problem was going on with himself, and somehow that problem incorporated itself in us.
there's some underlining issue that's been going on since before us...and why the F>>> has it been affecting us? What did I have to do with it??? Some problems that were HIS are now indirectled towards ME. He just doesn't realize it. That's it. His insecurities are directed to me...I know he didn't mean to, but they did.
the porn made him feel good, made him feel desired, wanted, needed, whereas along the way I didn't MAKE him feel that way. In return, he turned to something superficial to soothe himself. It made himself feel better, but yet worsel, guilty for doing so...and then the cycle starts with me... He wouldn't come to me with these questions because he was shamed, he was already scared. He was already hurt. And, the cycle continues where I put this on somebody else.
Is this it?
HE was the one who brought it up, and we both thought it was a good idea....this is AFTER I blew up on him about a month ago...Well, that was the first and ONLY...He "took a week off" last week without telling me....., this past week, he asked if it was okay to postpone as we were both tired.
He F>>>>>>> tried to lie about it...then I caught him in a lie. I threw my book across the dresser and went downstairs to tend to the kids...and to cool off from beating on him.... Came upstairs to him in fetal position crying. How the hell am I to react to this cycle time after time??? I loved him one time. I was deeply IN LOVE with him, if he woulda stopped and looked and listened...but, as I told him the other night, or yelled at him...it's all gone.
I see him as a paycheck and a caregiver...just as he's seen me all of these years. I was there when HE needed me. I needed my best friend, my lover, my partner...and he was nowhere. I was all alone.
I was his sex vessel, his mothering nurturer, his babysitter, his maid, his accountant, his housewife...anything but his equal. He was never able to tell me what was going on inside.
After 9 years of neglect, I don't believe I have anything left to give. I know I don't. I just don't feel it
THAT IS MY PROBLEM....all this time he never knew why himself....but he needs to acknowledge what problem was going on with himself, and somehow that problem incorporated itself in us.
there's some underlining issue that's been going on since before us...and why the F>>> has it been affecting us? What did I have to do with it??? Some problems that were HIS are now indirectled towards ME. He just doesn't realize it. That's it. His insecurities are directed to me...I know he didn't mean to, but they did.
the porn made him feel good, made him feel desired, wanted, needed, whereas along the way I didn't MAKE him feel that way. In return, he turned to something superficial to soothe himself. It made himself feel better, but yet worsel, guilty for doing so...and then the cycle starts with me... He wouldn't come to me with these questions because he was shamed, he was already scared. He was already hurt. And, the cycle continues where I put this on somebody else.
Is this it?
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