It's amazing how the little slightlest things can trigger such emotion. I've been doing better lately, than from when I iniatially discovered the extent of my betrayal
I realized tonight, after many encounters that I cannot even look at a general old christmas item in the stores without it taking me back to "that time" "before".
We received a really nice photograph as a gift, and it just about set me off. I didn't let him know it. However, it was bothering me tonight, and I got it out. After studying it, I knew what my gut was telling me...that very pic was taken of our last "happy day" together as a family. And, it's such great pic of us...and now it's ruined.
I've been finding myself lately wondering. I've given it time. I've been giving us time to "recover". I'm trying to do what I've read by not making any drastic life changing choices in the first year of recovery...for both of us...
however, I'm finding myself thinking....I can't help but think that our good times are over. I know i already wasn't happy before all of this. I know that without a doubt that IF I hadn't discovered his porn addicition, based solely on his absence of enthusiasm in the family that we would be over. That's how bad it was getting. He just never knew that.
A couple weeks ago he fell into his old habits. I don't know to what extent..but, I was talking to walls again, we hadn't had sex in 3 weeks...and I had initiated the last time....and he was very distant....let alone the kids and the household. I know he was working a lot more than usual, and more tired. So,  I gave him a week to recover. When it wasn't over, that's when shit hit the fan. I tried talking to him about it before things escalated, but I was talking to a wall
that past experience is making me think that this just won't change. I feel lilke I've been failed only 4 months (at that time) into recovery...what's it going to feel like another 4 months from now, a year, or 5 years?
I don't know if I'm strong enough for this. Or maybe it's self respect talking, or self righteousness, or whatever. but, I feel lost on days like this. I love that man. I truly do. But, it's not how it was. It never will be. I just wish we could start over new together, without all of these memories