I have to admit that I'm feeling disappointed with the progress in my recovery. I didn't honestly think my H porn addiction would've caused this much damage for so long.
the other day my therapist wanted me to think about what's so important to me to be in the "know", and what's so detrimintal to be kept in the dark.
I tried explaining to her, but we ran out of time that it isn't so much about the porn, or me being in control to be in the "know". It was the promises that H had made, broken, knowing he broke them, lived in deceipt and betrayal, then lied.
I didn't have such a problem with porn as long as it didn't interfere with us. As long as it didn't deprive us of intimacy, didn't take him away from his children, didn't take him away from being my best friend and partner....But, that's exactly what it did do.
I feel more lonely now than ever. Knowing what he was doing when I left for work. Leaving me so exhausted with the housework and children. I haven't said anything, but he's starting to go back to the short one word answers when i try to initiate conversation. Yesterday, he didn't even ask me how my day was...as that's one of the things he's being more aware of doing. He didn't ask me of everything I did. Didn't ask me today either. THAT pushes me away. He hasn't come to initiate sex either for about a week. I don't know if I should question him.
my therapist labeled me as the typical codependent as I was the one who set boundaries in the relationship. The parent child relationship. The boundaries are there now to protect me, but also because he didn't have the strength to do so himself. He said he's glad I put parental controls on the tv and filters on the computer, but I question him why I should have to do it. As far as I know he hasn't been on the computer. but, as I told him the other night, he will always be one step ahead of me, as he's been all of these years.
so, when we talk about the hurt his PA has caused me, he replies how he's trying. Yet, him trying is exactly what I needed before all of this shit. I needed him to help me with the housework, interact with the kids, interact with us as a family, be my best friend again, etc. So, him trying isn't doing anything to help heal the damage done from the PA
I feel lost anymore. He's not who he made me believe. I HATE porn abusers and liars. That's all he's proven to me.
I asked him how he is to win back my trust again, and he had no reply. I have no idea either, especially since I"m the one setting the boundaries. He stated he's not ready for the parental controls to be lifted...WTF???? He said he told his SA group and therapist he hasn't had any urges, but WTF if he can't watch a freaking brief nudity scene????  In order for me to trust him again, I have to give him some leeway and for him not to abuse it. Just as I"ve always done.
I just feel so distant from him lately. I'm not sure where it's all coming from. It does feel so overwhelming at times realizing this is an addiction that I have to live with, and wonder. I HATE it.
I feel let down. I honestly don't know what I would've done if there were no kids involved. I shouldn't have to go through this. I trusted him through and through. No questions asked, no doubts. I cared deeply for him, but I trusted that he wouldn't do anything to hurt me. Damn, was I wrong.