I've been trying to keep busy lately. Trying to consume my thoughts into something else. Yet, I randomly find my mind wandering then I feel the adrenaline....I'm starting to get mad. I'm mad at him, at the addiction, at the choices he made, the actions he took, at myself, I am just MAD.
I then try to subside the feelings. Go into a happier place. Think how it's his past that's affecting our present. How his past hurt and anger had built bad habits. How those habits formed an addiction....An addiction I will never understand
then I get mad and wonder why should it HAVE to affect me like so in our life.
I do not know if we are strong enough to suvive this as a couple. I cannot answer where we will be 5 years from now, let alone even just 1 year. But, I am giving him a chance to change. I am giving us a chance to heal as a couple. More importantly, I am giving myself a chance to heal during all of this. I've focused more on myself, then the kids, then him. Well, me and the kids are hand in hand. They do make me happy. I'm happy when they are, and they're happy when I am. H has to be second. I know they say in a family to always focus on the parent's relationship. that's the key to a happy stable family. For the kids to see the parent's love for each other, and thus they learn to respect others.
I am trying not to focus on the negative of my train of thought. I'm trying not to think too much into anything, or everything.
I question myself daily if I am strong enough to give him an honest chance to recover, and to show he's making progress. Maybe not just strong enough, but if I have enough will or desire to do so..
I stated earlier how it was good that I had loved him so deeply and passionately. If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't be so willing to go through all of this with him, as he's one of my triggers. After all of this, this "event" has taken away some of the loving feelings I have towards him. On the other hand, this has hurt me so deeply because I loved him so much. It's a double edged sword.
so, as I am in the midst of the "traumatic anniversary"....I have been trying to keep busy. I don't know if it's working...there's no new holes in the wall, glasses broken, drawers busted up, etc...So, I guess it's getting easier, or better, or whatever you want to call it. but, it still hurts
I then try to subside the feelings. Go into a happier place. Think how it's his past that's affecting our present. How his past hurt and anger had built bad habits. How those habits formed an addiction....An addiction I will never understand
then I get mad and wonder why should it HAVE to affect me like so in our life.
I do not know if we are strong enough to suvive this as a couple. I cannot answer where we will be 5 years from now, let alone even just 1 year. But, I am giving him a chance to change. I am giving us a chance to heal as a couple. More importantly, I am giving myself a chance to heal during all of this. I've focused more on myself, then the kids, then him. Well, me and the kids are hand in hand. They do make me happy. I'm happy when they are, and they're happy when I am. H has to be second. I know they say in a family to always focus on the parent's relationship. that's the key to a happy stable family. For the kids to see the parent's love for each other, and thus they learn to respect others.
I am trying not to focus on the negative of my train of thought. I'm trying not to think too much into anything, or everything.
I question myself daily if I am strong enough to give him an honest chance to recover, and to show he's making progress. Maybe not just strong enough, but if I have enough will or desire to do so..
I stated earlier how it was good that I had loved him so deeply and passionately. If I hadn't, maybe I wouldn't be so willing to go through all of this with him, as he's one of my triggers. After all of this, this "event" has taken away some of the loving feelings I have towards him. On the other hand, this has hurt me so deeply because I loved him so much. It's a double edged sword.
so, as I am in the midst of the "traumatic anniversary"....I have been trying to keep busy. I don't know if it's working...there's no new holes in the wall, glasses broken, drawers busted up, etc...So, I guess it's getting easier, or better, or whatever you want to call it. but, it still hurts
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