It's coming to that time of the month again...no, not what you would typically associate with "time of the month", but the anniversary dates. I stopped taking zoloft a couple weeks ago. Have been ok, with 2 outbursts since at H. That's down dramatically from almost daily. It's helped with rejoining the gym, and turning our garage into some actual living space with my exercise equipment. I use that in the morning when the kids leave me alone for a couple, then hit the gym after work at night. I've realized that helps to relieve some of my frustration. One those days where I'm falling into a mental pit and I can't exercise (it out), that's when I just go pyscho
Anyways, it was tues Oct 21st 2003 going into the 22nd (up all night) when I first discovered my H porn stash on the computer.
second time was around the same time in june 2005, finding it on the computer. I blocked out the date as I was very pregnant with our 2nd
Now, the date's approaching for the last ultimate discovery...Mon February 22 going into the 23rd as I didn't go to bed at all (till the 23rd's afternoon).
That last one is where I got traumatized. I don't know what the future holds for us. I still can't let go. I may never get the answers that I seek out, and that bothers me tremendously. We work opposite shifts and I wonder how I will ever trust him again when we don't see each other much (save on daycare). Thank god I guess that I was still madly in love with him, and loved him deeply before this last discovery. On the other hand, it's a double edged sword because of how deeply I felt for him, I was deeply hurt by him.
My love isn't the same. I don't feel the same. I don't know if I ever will, but I need to give it time and give him a chance. I know he loves me. He knows I love him. Our relationship dynamic has been altered and can never be fully restored to how it was. Knowing what I know now, that is a good thing referring to the porn and lack of participation with the children, housework, and our communication. On the other hand, I don't know how to get the images and thoughts from rampaging in my mind at times
It's that time of the month. This marks 4 months of when I was ripped out of my fantasy world and made to face reality. I bring myself back to four months ago, what we were doing that day as it was a family function, etc.
Four months of recovery. Fours months of crying, screaming, throwing things, beating on him physically and mentally (haven't been physical for about 2 months now).
It's that time of the month that I dread

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deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m sorry, there are the anniversaries and triggers. I\'m glad that you are focusing your bad energy exercising. That\'s something I\'ve yet to do (easier said than done). I hope you two are finding time for counseling. I would like to think I hear the possibility of at least you two giving it a good solid try to save the marriage. It is very hard juggling everything yourself with his absence from the family. HUGE HUG