I think, or at least I want to think that it's becoming easier to cope, deal, and live with this addiction knowing that I have some freedom and choice in my behaviors. I CAN cheat on him, I CAN hurt him the way I feel I have BEEN, I can act upon my emotions. Yet, knowing I have the choice takes away the revengeful rewards. It takes away from the glory that revenge might bring. Or yet would it?
I still want to act on these desires. Why not? he did. He acted on his desires, whereever, whatever.
some people want it all....yet, they can't have it all.
 I still want to hurt him back, cheat on nim, to make him feel my pain. However, he cannot feel exactly what I am. He never will. Yet, maybe somewhere down the road he will, but not now, where I think it matters.
I can NOT guarantee that I won't cheat on him, I won't hurt him, I won't seek revenge for 9 years worth of wrongdoing.
I actually hope i do muster up to it. Just so that I know we "Even" the score and I KNOW he won't do this again  as then he will feel the consequences.
ohhh the decisions