I am slowly becoming to realize of my past fantasy. and how it has all fallen aparrt. Nothing is what it had seemed. It will never be as it was. I am accepting that. Our past relationship is dead and we are building new.It's almost we are dating or courting again, just with children and financial responsibility now. The main exception is that this time it is HE who is chasing me. Years ago, I was chasing him. I did what I could throughout the years to make him interested, then to keep that interest, to make him happy, to please him. I seeked and conquered. Now, it is his turn. I will NOT do that again. My own happiness is worth more. I deserve more.
I still look at him. I look differently. I look longing. I look disgustingly. Sometimes I admire him, and look at him lovingly. Other times I despise him, and look at him disgusted. Other times I look at him and think how remorseful and shameful he must feel. Yet, I don't care how bad he's feeling. I believe he brought this upon himself. He HAD the choice. He had the choice to chose between me or the porn. He had the choice of telling me about acting out or to keep it a secret. He had the choice to act out and continue without my knowledge. To me, he HAD the CHOICE. He could've chosen US, yet he did NOT.
Tell me why hows become his past self esteem issues, how he grew up...WHY should that affect ME? why should that affect me NOW? After years of my unconditional love. I admired him. I adored him. I desired only him. I yearned for only him. HOwever, in return, I feel that this is not enouigih for him. So, why does his past have to affect OUR present?
why does his past actions and decisions have to affect me now? Did I have anything to do with them? Hell, I didn't even know him back then, yet now it's affecting my present life
What about the damage it's done to me now? what about my confidence and safety in my sexuality? What about my self esteem...where I don't feel compared to or judged to other women's images? What about my needs to be met rather than taken over by some fantasy that doesn't really exist. I am here. I am real. However, I was pushed out in his mind. He didn't want me in that corner of his life. However, I was good enough in every other aspect. I was his caregiver, nurturer, mother, self distructive child, his "safe" world. I was supposed to be most importantly his heart. However over time, during time, and at the beginning of our time, I have always felt inferior. I was never good enough. And this just supports my insecurities.
How do I live with such an addiction when the addiction itself questions and destroys my own self confidence, my self esteem, my self worth as a wife?
How do I live with an addiction where everyday it's a battle not only within himself, but with me? I feel as though I have to compete with something that isn't there. Yet, it takes a part of my husband away from me. Should I give it this power? NO. He has given it this power. because I know he has looked at porn, masterbated, fantasized about others...their bodies, their actions the ENTIRE duration of our supposed relationship. Because of this power it holds above me, the feeling that I can never compete with what ultimately turns him on, I will always feel inferior. These insecurities are instilled in me.
This is something I have to deal with. I have to live with. I have to adapt to. I have to cope with. WHY?
I try so hard to understand. I know no one is perfect, we all have our flaws. Yet, this is one that truly breaks my heart. I feel I wasn't good enough. He didn't respect me enough as a wife, as a caregiver, as a person to confront me, to confide in me, to admit to me. To not LIE to me.
I do not know how to move on. I do not honestly know how to let go of the hurt, the anger, the revengeful desires, the need to revenge. I just don't know how...
I still look at him. I look differently. I look longing. I look disgustingly. Sometimes I admire him, and look at him lovingly. Other times I despise him, and look at him disgusted. Other times I look at him and think how remorseful and shameful he must feel. Yet, I don't care how bad he's feeling. I believe he brought this upon himself. He HAD the choice. He had the choice to chose between me or the porn. He had the choice of telling me about acting out or to keep it a secret. He had the choice to act out and continue without my knowledge. To me, he HAD the CHOICE. He could've chosen US, yet he did NOT.
Tell me why hows become his past self esteem issues, how he grew up...WHY should that affect ME? why should that affect me NOW? After years of my unconditional love. I admired him. I adored him. I desired only him. I yearned for only him. HOwever, in return, I feel that this is not enouigih for him. So, why does his past have to affect OUR present?
why does his past actions and decisions have to affect me now? Did I have anything to do with them? Hell, I didn't even know him back then, yet now it's affecting my present life
What about the damage it's done to me now? what about my confidence and safety in my sexuality? What about my self esteem...where I don't feel compared to or judged to other women's images? What about my needs to be met rather than taken over by some fantasy that doesn't really exist. I am here. I am real. However, I was pushed out in his mind. He didn't want me in that corner of his life. However, I was good enough in every other aspect. I was his caregiver, nurturer, mother, self distructive child, his "safe" world. I was supposed to be most importantly his heart. However over time, during time, and at the beginning of our time, I have always felt inferior. I was never good enough. And this just supports my insecurities.
How do I live with such an addiction when the addiction itself questions and destroys my own self confidence, my self esteem, my self worth as a wife?
How do I live with an addiction where everyday it's a battle not only within himself, but with me? I feel as though I have to compete with something that isn't there. Yet, it takes a part of my husband away from me. Should I give it this power? NO. He has given it this power. because I know he has looked at porn, masterbated, fantasized about others...their bodies, their actions the ENTIRE duration of our supposed relationship. Because of this power it holds above me, the feeling that I can never compete with what ultimately turns him on, I will always feel inferior. These insecurities are instilled in me.
This is something I have to deal with. I have to live with. I have to adapt to. I have to cope with. WHY?
I try so hard to understand. I know no one is perfect, we all have our flaws. Yet, this is one that truly breaks my heart. I feel I wasn't good enough. He didn't respect me enough as a wife, as a caregiver, as a person to confront me, to confide in me, to admit to me. To not LIE to me.
I do not know how to move on. I do not honestly know how to let go of the hurt, the anger, the revengeful desires, the need to revenge. I just don't know how...
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