I know I have to talk about this with my therapist. Since I started taking zoloft again I haven't had the rage surges so far. None like in the past 2 months. I still think about all of this all the time. Every day, every hour
I told him before that I was going to cheat on him. He wouldn't know who, when, where, etc, but I would. this was in the peak of my rage, my hatred towards him. I did tell him I hated him too.
I thougth that 'drive' was temporary to get back at him, for him to experience some of my pain. yet, it still lingers. I still have that desire to do this to him. To hurt the one good thing in my life, my true love.
I'm not sure where revenge takes place in the recovery phases, but it's needed almost. I had this urge before, and up unitl I fulfilled it, i still carried the anger. For that, I feel that I am a bad, terrible person.
I even thought about myself looking at P and trying to get myself looking at it, but can't. It just isn't me. I can look at it, but doesn't phase me as such. I'd much rather have the real thing. I guess that's what makes this so different between the two of us. I don't need it...whereas he did.
I am still trying to cope, altho it's been better with zoloft and telling my therapist my exact feelings. I stray alot when I talk, but she's trained to deal with that and helps to get me back on track.
I hate what this has done to me. I put him up on a pedestal, now I'm kick out of my fantasy world and have to face reality.