"He had what his heart desires"...that's the bottom line comment I made in my journal a couple nights ago. It finally hit me. He had what he wanted, yet it wasn't enough for him at the time. He grew bored, anxious, tired of the same routine. Whether it was due to stress at his new jobs, boredom at home when I was working, irritated with the kids...He was still taken care of while I was burning out.
I've noticed my feelings, actions, posture...I have allowed a depression to come over me. I've battled with chronic depression almost all of my life, so I rather know how to keep it at bay.
But, this battle going on between H and I, this battle going on within myself is too much for me to handle. I don't know how to cope. I can't even make day to day decisions anymore. I stilll can't make the final decision on our bedroom furniture/in house separation situation. I just can't think
I have no desire to do the things I onced thrived on...sounds silly, but cleaning and doing all the housework, taking the kids out, cleaning the fish tanks...now I don't even want to feed them, let alone change the water...I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep. I know this is my mind telling my body to take a break. I'm overloaded not just with everyday duties, but the mental toll this has taken. I feel stuck. I don't want to deal with this, yet I have to.
I have to face the fact that while I was out with the kids, while I was working, H went and looked at porn at every chance he got. Whether it was on the computer, watching "our" dvds by himself, watching skinemax and hbo on demand, phone internet...This is something I have to face. One time years ago, I even caught him in person. There's been other times when I knew, heard, and saw what he was watching on tv, but I let it go as I was pregnant and tending to other kid/kids. Now I know I should've spoke up, yet I didn't because I thought of the condition of my pregnancy.
Yet, the one thing I need to hear from him so I can understand is what he can't give me. Just "why"?? He said he and his therapists are still working on this. He states it wasn't for the "high" that we read about. He doesn't know. I told him flat out that it was because he was bored with me, and needed some new sexual stimulation. He got tired of coming to me, needed some new stimulation. I did tell him how I had times when I got bored with him over the years, but I never needed to look at someone else's, um, genitals, or sexual act to get myself going again with him. I knew with myself it was just a phase, and it would pass. It always did.
I need us to do this in house separation. We've still been sharing the same bed, not snuggling, or close to each other, but I still need away. I just need time to be by myself to sort out all of my feelings and thoughts. It's hard to think clearly when you see the main trigger right in front of you. I've been going through and rethinking our relationship. He knows it. I brought up so many memories of hurt and abandonment that he never knew about. The main breaking point though when I asked him when was our wedding anniversary, dating anniversary, and my birthday. He answered with the months, but for my birthday, he gave the wrong date. the wrong date after almost 9 years together now. The reason why that wrong answer hit home is because he only remembered the last 2 of my birthdays. he only knew the dates from looking at my license, or me or his mom reminding him.
The bottom line is that I never felt important to him. Never felt like I had his attention, his heart, his love. Yes, over time he grew to love me, but I don't think he was ever IN love with me. He only realized how much he loved me when our relationship was in jeopardy. Right now, however, it's in a crisis. And I have given up. I have no desire to make this work. I"ve tried the entire time we were together. I pushed aside my hurt, my thoughts, my feelings for sake of keeping us together. I always tried to make him feel wanted, needed, loved. Now, to know that all of that was in vain...when he was always on my mind, he was putting porn images, other women into his, and masterbating, fantasizing, wanting THEM....I have no desire to try. Why should I when our entire relationship has been a joke? He was never 100% here with me. Now, I'm not 100% here with him.
He's now realizing with help of his therapist who interprets what and how I'm feeling how I feel. He's starting to understand and trying to change for the better. Yet, all of this I needed way before learning that he'd rather turn to porn than his own wife all of these years. The lies, the deceipt, the betrayal, the abandonment, the neglect, the loneliness.
Just as I started, he HAD what his heart desires. now, that part of us is gone. It has been gone. It was destroyed.
I've noticed my feelings, actions, posture...I have allowed a depression to come over me. I've battled with chronic depression almost all of my life, so I rather know how to keep it at bay.
But, this battle going on between H and I, this battle going on within myself is too much for me to handle. I don't know how to cope. I can't even make day to day decisions anymore. I stilll can't make the final decision on our bedroom furniture/in house separation situation. I just can't think
I have no desire to do the things I onced thrived on...sounds silly, but cleaning and doing all the housework, taking the kids out, cleaning the fish tanks...now I don't even want to feed them, let alone change the water...I don't even want to get out of bed. I just want to sleep. I know this is my mind telling my body to take a break. I'm overloaded not just with everyday duties, but the mental toll this has taken. I feel stuck. I don't want to deal with this, yet I have to.
I have to face the fact that while I was out with the kids, while I was working, H went and looked at porn at every chance he got. Whether it was on the computer, watching "our" dvds by himself, watching skinemax and hbo on demand, phone internet...This is something I have to face. One time years ago, I even caught him in person. There's been other times when I knew, heard, and saw what he was watching on tv, but I let it go as I was pregnant and tending to other kid/kids. Now I know I should've spoke up, yet I didn't because I thought of the condition of my pregnancy.
Yet, the one thing I need to hear from him so I can understand is what he can't give me. Just "why"?? He said he and his therapists are still working on this. He states it wasn't for the "high" that we read about. He doesn't know. I told him flat out that it was because he was bored with me, and needed some new sexual stimulation. He got tired of coming to me, needed some new stimulation. I did tell him how I had times when I got bored with him over the years, but I never needed to look at someone else's, um, genitals, or sexual act to get myself going again with him. I knew with myself it was just a phase, and it would pass. It always did.
I need us to do this in house separation. We've still been sharing the same bed, not snuggling, or close to each other, but I still need away. I just need time to be by myself to sort out all of my feelings and thoughts. It's hard to think clearly when you see the main trigger right in front of you. I've been going through and rethinking our relationship. He knows it. I brought up so many memories of hurt and abandonment that he never knew about. The main breaking point though when I asked him when was our wedding anniversary, dating anniversary, and my birthday. He answered with the months, but for my birthday, he gave the wrong date. the wrong date after almost 9 years together now. The reason why that wrong answer hit home is because he only remembered the last 2 of my birthdays. he only knew the dates from looking at my license, or me or his mom reminding him.
The bottom line is that I never felt important to him. Never felt like I had his attention, his heart, his love. Yes, over time he grew to love me, but I don't think he was ever IN love with me. He only realized how much he loved me when our relationship was in jeopardy. Right now, however, it's in a crisis. And I have given up. I have no desire to make this work. I"ve tried the entire time we were together. I pushed aside my hurt, my thoughts, my feelings for sake of keeping us together. I always tried to make him feel wanted, needed, loved. Now, to know that all of that was in vain...when he was always on my mind, he was putting porn images, other women into his, and masterbating, fantasizing, wanting THEM....I have no desire to try. Why should I when our entire relationship has been a joke? He was never 100% here with me. Now, I'm not 100% here with him.
He's now realizing with help of his therapist who interprets what and how I'm feeling how I feel. He's starting to understand and trying to change for the better. Yet, all of this I needed way before learning that he'd rather turn to porn than his own wife all of these years. The lies, the deceipt, the betrayal, the abandonment, the neglect, the loneliness.
Just as I started, he HAD what his heart desires. now, that part of us is gone. It has been gone. It was destroyed.
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