One pattern that I'm noticing is that alcohol tends to intensify my feelings. I turn to dirnking to try to numb, to escape...however that is the very addiciton that H was facing. On the other hand, I firmly believe that my drinking didn't get out of control until I was to dismiss the intuitions I was feeling. When we were happy, I thought all was well between us, I wasn't drinking. I never had the urge, the need, to satisfy. Yet, for the past almost year, that's exactly how I can describe it. My drinking has "allowed" me to say and do things I normally woudn't. I'm too afraid to. I don't want my raw emotions known.
I went and measured our garage tonight, thinking that maybe h could just live in there if we moved out his old car, cleaned it out, insulated, and made it "homely". I need space. I need time to think. i need time to sort out my feelings.
I don't want to stay with him because I feel obligated, wanted, needed. I want to be with him because we both want to. Not because we 'have' to. I don't want  to stay with him because of the kids, to keep the famly together. What kind of family life would we provide if we did it just because of the kids?? He says his is worse...growing up without his father, not knowing him, his father not ackowledging him...yet in my case to see the two supposedly stable things in your life fall apart in front of you. your role models, your molds. For them to take out their anger upon you, to make you feel pity, anger, rejection, etc so that you chose sides. NO... I will not, cannot do that to my kids. I'd rather have them deal with separated parents who know that they stilll love each child instead of the child wondering what they could've done, what they should've done. My chilldren don't need to see the fights, to hear the things said. To know why mommy and daddy are fighting. I try to only talk about issues with H in middle of the night. When the kids are sleeping, during a manic low day, of course with alcohol to keep me up. When H gets upset during the day, I"m always in tune to where the kids are, what they've seen, what they've heard. they don't need to be affected by OUR problems.
that's why I don't think it's fair to live jointly. They don't need to hear what's exchanged, to see mommy and daddy fighting, to see mommy attacking daddy.
I am torn. I want to separate, if it was feasible. Yet, I cannot. I find myself thinking back....what if there were no kids involved?? Screw the finances...would I stay? that is the bottom line question, regardless to if kids were involved, what would be the answer? Could I get past this....all the hurt, the lies, the betrayal, the abandonment, the loneliness, the trying? What would be left? The trust is gone...the intimacy, well, let's not go there....what builds a relationship? What constitutes a good relationship? For one to rebuild a relationship, to fix one that's broken, what's left in it? Love? Kids? Finances? What do I have to build upon? I shouldn't have to try. I've been trying for almost 9 years. Look where that go me. Look what that got me. Why should I give more? What if there is no more to give?
What if I feel done? One can feel like my soulmate, but ultimately, I am the one who needs to survive. Right now, I am concerned only about myself and my children. This is something H has taught me...how to be selfish. To only think about one's needs and desires, and how to satisfy them only.
For this, I am not sure where our relationship, our marriage will end up. I cannot guarantee that just because H has put more effort into it, which H should've done a LONG time ago that we will survive. I have given up. I am only going to focus on myself. For once, I will think about ME instead of "he" I needed H a LONG time before this, in the very beginning. YEt, Now I realize I wasn't good enough. It was never good enough for him. He wanted something perfect, without luggage, without flaws, uncondiional, something perfect in his eyes. If he would've taken off the covers sooner, he would've realized he had that...I know that I am not the perfect being, will never look like what his body desires, will never look lilke what his mind desires, but some day he will realize that what he had was not beauty he saw in his eyes, but beauty he shared in his soul.
 He had what his heart desired.