I'm having trouble anymore seeing us get through this. I see his efforts, I see his grief, he sees my pain. Yet, he doesn't understand or know the pain I feel....the agony...the mourning that I'm going through. All he sees is me cry, my rage, and my anger/numbness. That is what he knows.
I go through various periods during the day, everyday, where I question us. I wonder how I will forgive and move on with him. Sometimes I question if I even want to.
I see his efforts in trying. He's trying to change to applease to me. Yet, his porn addiction is just the final stab in my heart. I've dealt with lies, betrayals, and disappointments during our relationship. The entire relationship. Because of those, I've felt lonely, abandoned, alone, ignored, rejected, taken advantage of and taken for granted.
I already wasn't happy. I haven't been for quite a long time. I was running myself down, trying to make sure everything got done, everyone's needs were met. In doing so I enabled him to act out. I tried to be close to him. I tried to include him. Just everyday conversation, asking him to join me and the kids on an outing. Just to snuggle. I was always trying to keep us going, the love, the intimacy, the trust, ....us. yet, it all fell apart. At first it started crumbling, then just stormed down on me.
It took one day, one bad day for me to tell him how I wasn't happy. However, I didn't have the guts to say it to his face. I texted him it. When he texted me back "why?"...I thought to myself..."you really don't know? You don't see it?"
If I only knew then what I do now. I wonder how things would be different.
So, his efforts that I see him putting in now, I needed them way before realizing his porn addiction. I am just not feeling it. I don't feel the same way towards him. That strong, mad love I felt for him isn't there. I've been realizing that I will survive without him. I find myself wondering if I would be happier without him. I cannot tell, I cannot honestly answer. That is why I haven't left our relationship entirely. When I say that, I mean that I am not 110% in this relationship right now. I used to be, but he didn't see it back then, all of these years. I had remained so madly in love with him, not just loved him, but IN love. Now, I have to deal with the fact that I am married to a porn addict. This is something I don't know if i can deal with, if I want to. It's not so much the journey we have in front of us, but letting go of the past. I have to, that's the only way I can forgive him, and to let go of the anger within me. I have to make amends with what wrong doings I feel/felt.
He says that he will take the bad days, although he fears the bad days, he will take them because he deserves them. I agree. He does deserve them. He deserves a lot more. He doesn't deserve what he has. I deserve more. I deserved more from him, yet this is what I have to work with. He doesn't understand that the bad days that he sees, he tolerates....I deal with those everyday, every hour. It is not something I can control. When I go through the bad days, which involve him experiencing first handedly my rage, I want him to feel my pain. I NEED him to feel my pain, yet he cannot. I tried protecting our love. I tried making sure nothing would come between us. I kept us open, as I held nothing back. However, it was not reciprocated. This is the bottom line of TRUST and respect. This is what is broken. The other feeling trickle down from this. My self esteem has been affected. I have wondered "why"...he says because he was lonely and bored. He acted out mainly after I went to work. Sometimes though he did so while I was in the same house, sleeping, on treadmill, etc. I feel like there's enough housework to be done that he shouldn't be bored. We have enough kids to not feel lonely. Where were there efforts on HIS part to not feel lonely in our relationship? Hell, he forgot my birthday up until the last two years. Wedding anniversaries, relationship anniversarries...even when I made a big deal and reminded him just the day prior...he forgot....
He spent his time seeking out his fantasies. Using his "sexual energy" on something that doesn't exist except in his mind and hand. Where was I? Most of the time I was working. He couldn't wait for me. He couldn't help me with the housework or kids. Even just reading the kids a bedtime book...or sitting at the table helping them write or draw...or playing outside with them...anything.
I have turned bitter. I am a monster now. I don't like who I've become. I'm impatient with the kids. I need time away from them, the house, from work. I've slacked off on maintaining the housework. Now, during his efforts and I see how much he has done while I"m at work, instead of me feeling bad for him as I know he's tired, I think ..."good...now he knows how much I do, and then some as he doesn't do everything in a day that I had done". I will admit...I've slacked off big time. I want him to be involved. I need a break. I was at my breaking point before discovering he had been wasting his time, his "sexual energy", MY tme, MY energy on his addiction...fulfilling his fantasies.
Now, I have the entire duration of our relationship to deal with . To think about, to forgive.
I just don't know if I can. If I want to. I'll be going out by the end of this week and we will have a new bed...one for him to sleep in. If us separating households is out of the question, we will be separating living quarters and breathing space the best we can. this is something we need. Something I need to sort things out. He has ackowledged he is my main trigger. I need to be away from him, no matter how hard on him or me. I need to see if after we have some space and distance between us that I still want him a part of my life. I believe my main reason for us not officially separating is of others being judgemental. We'd have to explain how the once perfect relationship (I thought we had) is falling apart. We'd have to explain it to family and friends. Lets not forget the kids and their sleeping arrangements. Could I reasonably ask him to get up and drive back home at 11pm or midnight, only for him to be back up at 5am?
We could make sacrafices. I could cut out cable, and cut down on our cell phone luxuries, even go to dial up internet. There's ways to work around us supporting a second household....his own apartment. I actually know one for him. but then we'd have to face everyone's questions and opinions. ....I've given up on our future plans together...get a bigger place, debt free....That is the last thing on my mind. We spent quite a bit on getting us/me a new computer. Spending even a great deal more on therapy....lets not forget the books...
I know that we will have a new bed by the end of the week. I will make arrangements for cable hookups in there for him. He has been trying to leave me alone when we are home together. He forgot today when he came back home. However, I did tell him last night that if he tries talking to me and I'm not engaging, then leave me alone. It will be a bad day if he pursues it. When he came home from work, and I'm getting ready to go to work, he realized that when I got up and left the room, I needed to be left alone...away from him. This is the problem with in house separation. you are still living with the problem, the torment, the reminder.
I know that both of us going to individual therapy and him making the efforts to try means that we both still want in this marriage. I seriously don't know though. I cannot say that I still do. I know I can't give up without a fight. However, I feel that my part is over. I've been fighting our entire relationship to hold us together. I've kept my mouth shut way too long about my unhappiness.
Now that I've started to speak up, I am starting to doubt us. I am doubting his love for me. I am doubting his feelings. I wonder why he only realizes how he feels about me only when he feels he's losing me. He couldn't answer that (simple) question either. Makes me wonder if HE'S codependent. Is he feeding off of MY love, my needs, my feelings? He realizes he has somebody, who he keeps in the dark, on the back burner. When that person is getting burned, only then does he realize it's getting too hot. The elements aren't right. He sees that there's nobody else that's going to come save him. He has somebody who truly loves him, yet that isn't good enough for him. For that time. But, when he's threatened to be alone, only then does he realize what he has. I on the other hand, have always known what I have, how good I have it. Maybe because I've been burned, I was the one who let the other person suffer by being burned.
I go through various periods during the day, everyday, where I question us. I wonder how I will forgive and move on with him. Sometimes I question if I even want to.
I see his efforts in trying. He's trying to change to applease to me. Yet, his porn addiction is just the final stab in my heart. I've dealt with lies, betrayals, and disappointments during our relationship. The entire relationship. Because of those, I've felt lonely, abandoned, alone, ignored, rejected, taken advantage of and taken for granted.
I already wasn't happy. I haven't been for quite a long time. I was running myself down, trying to make sure everything got done, everyone's needs were met. In doing so I enabled him to act out. I tried to be close to him. I tried to include him. Just everyday conversation, asking him to join me and the kids on an outing. Just to snuggle. I was always trying to keep us going, the love, the intimacy, the trust, ....us. yet, it all fell apart. At first it started crumbling, then just stormed down on me.
It took one day, one bad day for me to tell him how I wasn't happy. However, I didn't have the guts to say it to his face. I texted him it. When he texted me back "why?"...I thought to myself..."you really don't know? You don't see it?"
If I only knew then what I do now. I wonder how things would be different.
So, his efforts that I see him putting in now, I needed them way before realizing his porn addiction. I am just not feeling it. I don't feel the same way towards him. That strong, mad love I felt for him isn't there. I've been realizing that I will survive without him. I find myself wondering if I would be happier without him. I cannot tell, I cannot honestly answer. That is why I haven't left our relationship entirely. When I say that, I mean that I am not 110% in this relationship right now. I used to be, but he didn't see it back then, all of these years. I had remained so madly in love with him, not just loved him, but IN love. Now, I have to deal with the fact that I am married to a porn addict. This is something I don't know if i can deal with, if I want to. It's not so much the journey we have in front of us, but letting go of the past. I have to, that's the only way I can forgive him, and to let go of the anger within me. I have to make amends with what wrong doings I feel/felt.
He says that he will take the bad days, although he fears the bad days, he will take them because he deserves them. I agree. He does deserve them. He deserves a lot more. He doesn't deserve what he has. I deserve more. I deserved more from him, yet this is what I have to work with. He doesn't understand that the bad days that he sees, he tolerates....I deal with those everyday, every hour. It is not something I can control. When I go through the bad days, which involve him experiencing first handedly my rage, I want him to feel my pain. I NEED him to feel my pain, yet he cannot. I tried protecting our love. I tried making sure nothing would come between us. I kept us open, as I held nothing back. However, it was not reciprocated. This is the bottom line of TRUST and respect. This is what is broken. The other feeling trickle down from this. My self esteem has been affected. I have wondered "why"...he says because he was lonely and bored. He acted out mainly after I went to work. Sometimes though he did so while I was in the same house, sleeping, on treadmill, etc. I feel like there's enough housework to be done that he shouldn't be bored. We have enough kids to not feel lonely. Where were there efforts on HIS part to not feel lonely in our relationship? Hell, he forgot my birthday up until the last two years. Wedding anniversaries, relationship anniversarries...even when I made a big deal and reminded him just the day prior...he forgot....
He spent his time seeking out his fantasies. Using his "sexual energy" on something that doesn't exist except in his mind and hand. Where was I? Most of the time I was working. He couldn't wait for me. He couldn't help me with the housework or kids. Even just reading the kids a bedtime book...or sitting at the table helping them write or draw...or playing outside with them...anything.
I have turned bitter. I am a monster now. I don't like who I've become. I'm impatient with the kids. I need time away from them, the house, from work. I've slacked off on maintaining the housework. Now, during his efforts and I see how much he has done while I"m at work, instead of me feeling bad for him as I know he's tired, I think ..."good...now he knows how much I do, and then some as he doesn't do everything in a day that I had done". I will admit...I've slacked off big time. I want him to be involved. I need a break. I was at my breaking point before discovering he had been wasting his time, his "sexual energy", MY tme, MY energy on his addiction...fulfilling his fantasies.
Now, I have the entire duration of our relationship to deal with . To think about, to forgive.
I just don't know if I can. If I want to. I'll be going out by the end of this week and we will have a new bed...one for him to sleep in. If us separating households is out of the question, we will be separating living quarters and breathing space the best we can. this is something we need. Something I need to sort things out. He has ackowledged he is my main trigger. I need to be away from him, no matter how hard on him or me. I need to see if after we have some space and distance between us that I still want him a part of my life. I believe my main reason for us not officially separating is of others being judgemental. We'd have to explain how the once perfect relationship (I thought we had) is falling apart. We'd have to explain it to family and friends. Lets not forget the kids and their sleeping arrangements. Could I reasonably ask him to get up and drive back home at 11pm or midnight, only for him to be back up at 5am?
We could make sacrafices. I could cut out cable, and cut down on our cell phone luxuries, even go to dial up internet. There's ways to work around us supporting a second household....his own apartment. I actually know one for him. but then we'd have to face everyone's questions and opinions. ....I've given up on our future plans together...get a bigger place, debt free....That is the last thing on my mind. We spent quite a bit on getting us/me a new computer. Spending even a great deal more on therapy....lets not forget the books...
I know that we will have a new bed by the end of the week. I will make arrangements for cable hookups in there for him. He has been trying to leave me alone when we are home together. He forgot today when he came back home. However, I did tell him last night that if he tries talking to me and I'm not engaging, then leave me alone. It will be a bad day if he pursues it. When he came home from work, and I'm getting ready to go to work, he realized that when I got up and left the room, I needed to be left alone...away from him. This is the problem with in house separation. you are still living with the problem, the torment, the reminder.
I know that both of us going to individual therapy and him making the efforts to try means that we both still want in this marriage. I seriously don't know though. I cannot say that I still do. I know I can't give up without a fight. However, I feel that my part is over. I've been fighting our entire relationship to hold us together. I've kept my mouth shut way too long about my unhappiness.
Now that I've started to speak up, I am starting to doubt us. I am doubting his love for me. I am doubting his feelings. I wonder why he only realizes how he feels about me only when he feels he's losing me. He couldn't answer that (simple) question either. Makes me wonder if HE'S codependent. Is he feeding off of MY love, my needs, my feelings? He realizes he has somebody, who he keeps in the dark, on the back burner. When that person is getting burned, only then does he realize it's getting too hot. The elements aren't right. He sees that there's nobody else that's going to come save him. He has somebody who truly loves him, yet that isn't good enough for him. For that time. But, when he's threatened to be alone, only then does he realize what he has. I on the other hand, have always known what I have, how good I have it. Maybe because I've been burned, I was the one who let the other person suffer by being burned.
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