The old computer, all evidence on it is gone. I used a program to wipe it clean, even windows itself had to reinstalled. It runs so much faster now. But, the most important thing is I cannot drive myself crazy with it anymore. I cannot seek, waste my time, and obsess over 'why'. I still have to come to terms with everything, my mental hard drive. I have times when everything I saw, all the pieces I put together from over the years just replay over and over again. It's driving me mad. I'm going to see my own therapist tmrw morning. I need to talk. I need to let it out. I've kept quiet for far too long. I try to talk to H. I hold my own, but then he breaks down. I start to feel bad, for hurting his feelings when I talk about my own, but yet I feel this way because of what he did and didn't do. He  knows the source of my pain, yet he is helpless against it. He sees my anger and knows he cannot control it.
I still find myself questioning why....why wasn't I good enough? Why did he push me away? Why couldn't he see I haven't been happy? Why couldn't he just ask ME what was wrong instead of him going to porn? I work nights, and this is when he'd act out. I couldn't trust him here at home, taking care of the kids. Wearing myself down, he couldn't help in little ways with the household when I'd mention things for him to do (even just putting the kids laundry away which would sit for a week until I did it). I even cut the grass all last summer. For what? To try to make him happy, to make him feel appreciated, so it got done...why? Cause he spent his time and "energy" watching porn when I was working.
I still find myself questioning us. Questioning whether we can fix this and move on. Whether I want to. I feel like I put so much into this relationship over the last 9 yrs that now I have nothing to give. I've shut down. Why should I try when that's all I did? I tried so hard not to put him on the back burner after having 3 kids in 3 1/2 yrs. I tried to make him feel appreciated, needed, wanted. Tried to make life easier on him.
Instead, I got forgotten about, unappreciated, put on the back burner. And, how to get over all of this. how to forgive 9yrs worth of deceit? His lust, his "sexual energy" being wasted over images and movies of other women? His preference forTHAT over me? I will never understand
yet, I have to forgive