torn

Saturday night...after I got home...I had to get out emotions from me thinking, putting pieces together. I wrote him a long note as he was sleeping. In the wee morning hours, letting him sleep, I then woke him up with the note. Gave it to him, then walked away.
I've been thinking, putting pieces together from our 9 yrs together. Then I realized...He NEVER stopped.
As soon as I got a new computer, while 6 months pregnant with our first, who is now 6 1/2yrs old, he was on there...looking. He wasn't even officially moved in with me at that time. I discovered completely by accident his hidden folders of porn saved on the computer 6 months later. Our firstborn was now 2 months old.
Next time I discovered it, once again, was pregnant now with our middle child. I was almost 7 months along. I pushed aside my pain, my hurt for the safety of the unborn child I was carrying. He looked me in the eyes and swore he'd never hurt me again and would spend the rest of my life making it up. Meanwhile, it was during this time he started sleeping on the couch as our full sized bed was becoming too small for my very pregnant belly and our almost 2 yr old was still sleeping with me. I pushed aside the idea that he was down there looking at stuff on tv, on demand.
when our middle child was between 3-4 months old, there was a left over video on demand that he forgot to erase. He said, and still swears it was our then 2 yr old. but, he didn't know that I knew he watched cinemax and hbo stuff on tv/on demand.
then, when our 2 children were 3 and 1 yr old, and I was pregnant for the third and last time, for a couple of months, I want to say about 3 months, but can't remember exactly, he thought we still had internet on our phones. I had discontinued that service to save money. While he was sleeping downstairs, leaving me upstairs to tend to our older two children who were then almost 3 1/2 and 1 1/2 yrs old,  he was looking up stuff on his phone on the internet. He said he was shopping for new ringtones, as I knew he actually did get a couple new ones....but, his internet charges for a couple months were $100 alone!!!
Now, it would be a little over 2 yrs ago, that I decided to spice things up for us. I went and got us some dvds. It was fun. I became comfortable with the idea and he knew where I kept them after about a year. I also made mental notes of how I kept them so I knew if they were moved.
Currently, just almost 2 months ago, I discovered he's been online looking at pics and videos.
Based on my timeline, he hasn't gone for more that a year without looking at porn, whether it be on tv (skinamax, hbo), phone internet, our dvds, or computer internet. He lied and denied every time I'd ask him. the only way he'd confess is when I confronted him with the undenyable hard proof.
He admitted all of this to me saturday night after I told him how much I could remember and put it all together.
He truly never stopped
I *made* him say what he did, the means of him looking at the stuff. I needed him to say it, and he needed to hear himself say it as that was him admitting to it.
On top of this, I had already told him during the winter that I wasn't happy. He never communicated with me. I always had to be the one to initiate conversation, even still it was me rambling or asking him 20 questions. It was the norm for me to ask him a question, and him not answer me, or to not even ackowledge that I was talking. Over the years, I started to feel alone and abandoned. I held onto our love, was still madly in love with him. I still desired him and only him. His touch would send chills through me. I would try and try to please him, to get his attention. I never got mad if he didn't comment on when I chopped off my hair 2 yrs ago.
What I did get mad about was him forgetting my birthday until the last 2 yrs. He would have to look at our marriage license to know the exact date. I can understand that some ppl are bad with dates, but I feel like he knew what month it was in, should've found out the date, and made a note in his phone calendar or somewhere else to remember. But, he never did. I never felt important enough, loved, or appreciated.
the one thing I remember the most is how when our firstborn was about 4 months old and we did nightcare for her (they were open till midnight). We made plans a couple weeks prior that we were going to use the one night as a date night to celebrate my birthday. I reminded him the day before and I was very excited about it. He was off that day, but I worked daylight. I didn't eat one morsel at work, was sooo hungry and so excited. He dropped her off at daycare in the afternoon as planned while I was at work. When I got home, I waited for him to return. Only, he didn't. I gave him the benefit of the doubt until I finally tracked him down. He went over his bestfriends house. He didn't come home until the wee morning hours. I told him on the phone it was ok, but he didn't hear the disappointment and hurt in my voice. He knew I was upset and let down, but I didn't want to sound like a B**** and keep him away from his friends.
that was just one incidence. But, the most painful of him "forgetting" about me.
Now, I've spent the last 2 months thinking. I always knew that I loved him more and cared more for him than he did for me. It's so obvious. After each discovery, he proclaims how he never realized how much he loved me and he would change. Yet, I wonder why it takes for him to feel threatened that I'm going to leave him for him to realize his feelings for me.
We've only been together for going on 9 yrs, and I feel like it's been a lie. I've been deceived, lied to, forgotten about, pushed aside, and lonely during the entire relationship. I've always tried to do little things for him to let him know I was thinking about him when we weren't together. He was always on my mind.
I told him saturday night that I don't know what to do. Do we stay together to raise the kids until they are older, and to keep the material lifestyle we have? That would give him time to "recover" and to try to change. I just don't know if I have anymore drive left in me. I've tried the entire relationship, and now I have to get over the death of that relationship to start a new one. We have to wipe clean.
I have so much to forgive for. That is the only way this anger will go away. Forgiveness takes away the anger, the pain. that is the only way I/we can move on. I will not do it for him, but for me. I hate who I've become from all of this. I need him now more than ever, yet I am disgusted with him at the same time.
I have to forgive him, whether we stay together or not. I have to forgive him as I cannot see myself loving another. He is all I ever wanted, at one point.
I have to forgive him and move on