Im horrible at this.  I used to journal constantly.  I would vent a lot.  I need to start doing it again.  Im still with my ex from california.  We've been together for 5 months already.  The long distance sucks.  We've been getting along great.  I went out to San Francisco to go see him a couple weeks ago.  I loved it!  I loved being with him everyday and being around him. I loved it so much i want to move there or in the area.   I loved the Bay Area!  I've come to realize that he has some serious brain trauma.  Him and his mom have a grueling battle i dont understand.  They are always arguing and hate each other.  His mom tells me things that he wont, but i dont want to be in the middle.  She told me the truth about his Traumatic Brain Injury.   He was in a very bad accident and was ejected from the car.  He could've been paralyzed, or even dead.  God has helped him a lot.  He talks bad about his mother and she tries to tell me all kinds of bad things about him maybe to warn me or i dont know.  Why would a mother bad mouth her own son?  I'm very confused with the whole situation.  I have a hard time determining when he is thinking correctly or not.  I need to learn not to allow him to impair my judgment.  Another good thing that happened in California is i met his whole family and his children.  His children are very sweet.  I dont appreciate how his family treats him.  They treat him like he is an outcast.  His father passed away when he was real young.  He talks about his dad to this day.  How much he misses him and loves him.  I just want to be happy and have a good life with him.  I know how he treats me and he treats me excellent.  He shows me a lot of love and affection also respect.  It may seem as if i'm in my own world.  I come home and sit in my room after work.  Either i'm on the phone with him or doing research on houses in Stockton for pricing.  Now i am not able to talk to my baby on the phone cuz his mom is not allowing him to talk on it.  Its ridiculous.  I dont know when i'll hear from him.  Its hard i see how she treats him and i dont agree with her abuse.  I can see why he doesnt want to do anything for her.  All she does is nag, bitch, complain, moan, and groan.  She doesnt embrace him and show him love, she doesnt treat him equally to her other children.  Two of the children have different fathers.  She doesnt encourage him, she doesnt  give him hope or faith.  I know how it is living with parents.  I am right now.  My mom and i get along a lot better when i dont live with her.  Maybe thats all he needs is to get away from her.  I will definitely be the bread wetter.  (?)  He is on disability he cant work.  The things i'll do to be with my very first love and to never lose him again.  My parents dont care for him either from the things hes done in the past.  So yea nothing is really in my favor.  I guess life is never meant to be easy.  All i know is i love him very much and i dont ever want to lose him again. Regardless of how hard things get.