I'm experiencing what it was like being alone again. I enjoy that i dont have to answer to anyone. I still worry about Johnny, the one i was with for 4 1/2 years, and left because he had been cheating on me, and had his second child with his ex in april. We were still together when the second baby was conceived, well we were split up but not even for two weeks yet. I know he was screwing around on me, but i was being blind. He called me last week i believe, and was crying to me about how hard his life was. He doesnt care for his ex and is upset about his situation with her. I guess he expects for me to want him back dearly, but i dont. He made me cry talking to him, and that is what distances me even more from him now, because i dont want my emotions to overrule my logic with him. I wonder about him, i think its just a habit, because we were together for so long. I wont lie, i miss the way things used to be when we got along. We always did get along, but i just cant believe how he played me for a fool. I'm emotionally scarred by him, and dont see myself getting close to anyone for a long time. I think about men as in what if??? But i cant--i cant put myself in a vulnerable situation at this point. We've been apart for nearly three months now. I made a stupid decision, throwing my logic out the window trying to make things work with Eli. I cant deal with his ups and downs and his moods. I dont want to risk being hurt by him either. I always go back to him and want to take care of him. Thats where my codependency comes into play. I cant take care of him either. I'm trying to overcome my codependency. I've learned that from my mom. She's always felt as if she has to take care of not just someone but everyone she meets who's in need. It's a great quality to have, but i'm realizing its more self damaging in the long run. What if certain people expect things from you, when you cant give it to them? What if you're in need of something that relies on your future? Are you going to give it to someone else instead of yourself? My mom has always told me to think of things with men as in, "whats in it for me?" Thats hard to go by when you have someone telling you that who is codependent themself. My dad is not the type of person whe needs to be taken care of. My mom helps out my sister's family mostly because they're in need. Also that is their CHOICE. My sister doesnt work, my nephew spends his money elsewhere, and who knows what else is going on. Besides the point of that, i'm not sure where my mind is. I'm happy because i got the postal jeep i bought (from this crook off ebay in idaho) running. I've been getting my route done a whole lot quicker instead of using my brand new truck sitting in the middle of it, delivering mail. I'm still focused on getting myself a house in albuquerque, and staying there. I want to get away from people who are out to use me and take advantage of my codependency. I havent talked to my sister much ever since she asked to borrow $400 from me that i didnt have. Since i bought a new truck i should have tons of money according to her and her 'separated' husband. Other than that i'm doing good. Work was awesome this week because my boss wat at 'church camp'. He claims to be such a Christian, and perfect in so many ways, yet he nitpicks and writes us all up for any little miniscule detail. If he makes the same mistake we did, nothing happens to him, but we are the biggest screwups if we do it. Kinda hypocritical ya think?
Replies
Sweetie, this is just my opinion but I would right now just worry about you. Its your turn to have what you want and be happy. I know its hard, but try to stop worrying about everyone else and be selfish and do what you want for you. I thinkk you will feel so much better. I love ya and Im always here for you. love and hugs......Julie