Sunday April 24, 2016
It's been two weeks since I got out of the hospital after overdosing on benzos and drinking uncontrollable amounts of alcohol. But I don't feel much better. I actually felt better in the hospital because my food was limited and controlled. Being out of the hospital there are so many temptations all around me and I feel like I am falling into all of them. Mainly sweets. Okay, only sweets.
Since coming out of the hospital I have not had any alcohol, no purging, much less restricting, no self harm (minus picking and ripping off my scabs), no benzos.
But I need to restrict. I told myself I wouldn't because I need to finish out this semester of nursing school strong and prove Joanna wrong. I need to pass this semester and continue back in the Fall. There is no other option. Do I want to continue this semester, no! I want it to be over with. I am tired of going to class, I don't care much about the projects or tests left, I wish I was at a low enough weight where I could be hospitalized and not have to finish the semester. But I'm not. And clearly i'm not doing anything to help get to a low weight. I'm eating crap. I'm eating breakfast and dinner daily and then grazing throughout the day. Today I blew it because I ate 3 reeses eggs and 4 hershey kisses. I just feel like I can't control myself around chocolate. How does everyone else control themselves around chocolate. It's like i'm a fucking addict.
Bottomline, I need to lose 5 pounds. These are 5 pounds that have crept up on me over the past two years. Then I'll be at a comfortable place. I place where I won't feel as bad eating food. A place that is much more comfortable for me to handle. Okay....not even 5 pounds...I just ask for 3 pounds. I hope to start exercising again shortly once school ends in less than 3 weeks. Hopefully that will help. Plus the no alcohol should help. I have also gotten rid of any addicting foods in my house. So as long as I stay at my house and not go to my parents i'll be fine...
I can't believe I have gotten to the point where I am. I feel like i'm out of control, i need to gain some control again. Especially with my body. I may not be able to control the world around me, but I should be able to control my body. Now I just need to fucking do it.
It's been two weeks since I got out of the hospital after overdosing on benzos and drinking uncontrollable amounts of alcohol. But I don't feel much better. I actually felt better in the hospital because my food was limited and controlled. Being out of the hospital there are so many temptations all around me and I feel like I am falling into all of them. Mainly sweets. Okay, only sweets.
Since coming out of the hospital I have not had any alcohol, no purging, much less restricting, no self harm (minus picking and ripping off my scabs), no benzos.
But I need to restrict. I told myself I wouldn't because I need to finish out this semester of nursing school strong and prove Joanna wrong. I need to pass this semester and continue back in the Fall. There is no other option. Do I want to continue this semester, no! I want it to be over with. I am tired of going to class, I don't care much about the projects or tests left, I wish I was at a low enough weight where I could be hospitalized and not have to finish the semester. But I'm not. And clearly i'm not doing anything to help get to a low weight. I'm eating crap. I'm eating breakfast and dinner daily and then grazing throughout the day. Today I blew it because I ate 3 reeses eggs and 4 hershey kisses. I just feel like I can't control myself around chocolate. How does everyone else control themselves around chocolate. It's like i'm a fucking addict.
Bottomline, I need to lose 5 pounds. These are 5 pounds that have crept up on me over the past two years. Then I'll be at a comfortable place. I place where I won't feel as bad eating food. A place that is much more comfortable for me to handle. Okay....not even 5 pounds...I just ask for 3 pounds. I hope to start exercising again shortly once school ends in less than 3 weeks. Hopefully that will help. Plus the no alcohol should help. I have also gotten rid of any addicting foods in my house. So as long as I stay at my house and not go to my parents i'll be fine...
I can't believe I have gotten to the point where I am. I feel like i'm out of control, i need to gain some control again. Especially with my body. I may not be able to control the world around me, but I should be able to control my body. Now I just need to fucking do it.
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