Today was rough. I had a lot to explain to my therapist. Yesterday I had crazy chest pains that I have never had before. Today my anxiety was extremely high. I purged last night. I have been restricting...just snacking during the day and not eating meals. I got a fit bit to track my calorie expenditure, etc. I have been working out more. The entire eating disorder is starting to consume my mind again.
Usually I feel some sort of guilt when saying things like this to my therapist, but today I had none. I didn't really care because I know there is nothing that anyone can do about it. I almost want to strengthen my eating disorder. When my eating disorder isn't heightened I don't feel like I exist. Another thought is that school strengthens my eating disorder. My eating disorder started in middle school, became severe in high school, was strong in college...laid off a few years, but then when I started school again it came back full force to the point where I had to drop out of school. Now I am about to start nursing school in two weeks, and here it comes again. But this time I'm not fighting it. I want to lose weight. 
My therapist mentioned the thought of having a family meeting and I literally laughed right in her face. No way in hell that is happening and the only way it would happen is if she went behind my back. I don't think my eating disorder is to the point where that needs to happen. I'm still in a healthy weight range....I have been way worse. She said that she wouldn't be surprised that at the rate I'm going now, with school not even having started, she could see me having to go in the hospital come summer time. That I will not let happen....I will not get hospitalized for my eating disorder again. So my brain thinks that I can stay on that fine line right before needing to have to go into the hospital and everything will be okay.
My brain is literally jumbled right now...I can't break free from it.