i don't know what's going on with me. i don't get it. i want to ask for help to get through this but i dont know how. and i dont know what to ask for.
i dont know how to even describe what is going on.
this is what i sent joanna practically immediately after therapy this morning...
"I wish I just could of let myself get things out in front of you at the end of our session, but it didn't come out until I got into the waiting room. That's when the gates opened and the tears just flooded out. I can't handle the information in regards to the Monday times right now. Even though you said you are working on it, I still can't handle it right now. And now I don't know how to handle myself. I don't have anyone to be with and I dot know what to do. I feel even more helpless and at a loss right now. I didn't want to leave your office. I didn't want to move because I feel safe there and now I am lost. I don't even know where to go.
Yes I just want someone to make things better, but I know I can't ask for miracles.
I don't want to be alone and I don't want to do anything that I have to do today. I feel scared, alone and lost. I am afraid of the rest of the day with how I am. I don't feel like I have any ideas as to how to deal- I just want ideas/suggestions. I don't eant to eat and i don't even know how to force myself. I don't want to do shit, I feel like yhe only thing I am capable of doing is making myself worse by hurting myself in some way.
Maybe it does have to do with you leaving and changes in schedule because that's all that comes to my mind right now.
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have anyone else to tell how I am feeling. I'm sorry- I'm just lost and in a lot of pain...a lot."
*when i say her leaving, that's for vacation the week of thanksgiving.
Before therapy this morning I opened my mail from yesterday and had gotten a ticket for running a red light- $75. Spilled OJ all over. Cried during my entire shower. Went to visit a cat. Couldn't find my paper with the alarm code in my car, balled my eyes out....hardcore, i did find it but it didn't change anything. Realized it has almost been a year sicne Sheppard Pratt- cried my eyes out again. when i was at the cat's place I dropped the can of food all over the floor- cried.
remembered comments from yesterday when i was at costco with mom (i did have a good day overall). we tasted a sample of popcorn, mom liked it and went to grab a big bag to buy. as she grabbed it she said "bad mom...bad". wtf?! then i was grabbing various snacks (granola bars, trail mix, newtons, etc.) and mom said "wow, piling up on snacks eh? See, in germany no one had snacks in their houses, we need to be like that." i just said, well i need them.
my anxiety is out of control as well.
oh yesterday i called my dad to ask him a question, but he was really busy and didnt want to just give me a one word answer, so he asked if he could call later so we could talk more. i never got a call back.
i dont know how to even describe what is going on.
this is what i sent joanna practically immediately after therapy this morning...
"I wish I just could of let myself get things out in front of you at the end of our session, but it didn't come out until I got into the waiting room. That's when the gates opened and the tears just flooded out. I can't handle the information in regards to the Monday times right now. Even though you said you are working on it, I still can't handle it right now. And now I don't know how to handle myself. I don't have anyone to be with and I dot know what to do. I feel even more helpless and at a loss right now. I didn't want to leave your office. I didn't want to move because I feel safe there and now I am lost. I don't even know where to go.
Yes I just want someone to make things better, but I know I can't ask for miracles.
I don't want to be alone and I don't want to do anything that I have to do today. I feel scared, alone and lost. I am afraid of the rest of the day with how I am. I don't feel like I have any ideas as to how to deal- I just want ideas/suggestions. I don't eant to eat and i don't even know how to force myself. I don't want to do shit, I feel like yhe only thing I am capable of doing is making myself worse by hurting myself in some way.
Maybe it does have to do with you leaving and changes in schedule because that's all that comes to my mind right now.
I don't know what to do. I don't feel like I have anyone else to tell how I am feeling. I'm sorry- I'm just lost and in a lot of pain...a lot."
*when i say her leaving, that's for vacation the week of thanksgiving.
Before therapy this morning I opened my mail from yesterday and had gotten a ticket for running a red light- $75. Spilled OJ all over. Cried during my entire shower. Went to visit a cat. Couldn't find my paper with the alarm code in my car, balled my eyes out....hardcore, i did find it but it didn't change anything. Realized it has almost been a year sicne Sheppard Pratt- cried my eyes out again. when i was at the cat's place I dropped the can of food all over the floor- cried.
remembered comments from yesterday when i was at costco with mom (i did have a good day overall). we tasted a sample of popcorn, mom liked it and went to grab a big bag to buy. as she grabbed it she said "bad mom...bad". wtf?! then i was grabbing various snacks (granola bars, trail mix, newtons, etc.) and mom said "wow, piling up on snacks eh? See, in germany no one had snacks in their houses, we need to be like that." i just said, well i need them.
my anxiety is out of control as well.
oh yesterday i called my dad to ask him a question, but he was really busy and didnt want to just give me a one word answer, so he asked if he could call later so we could talk more. i never got a call back.
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