P.S. As time goes on I most likely will NOT write as much. These are basically my updates to my father.
Today was partially difficult in that during my family session with carlos because the therapist brought up how the whole process here works. Meaning inpatient, then 11hr day program and after a week, leave early one day, then a week later probably get a day off and wean myself away. I did not like that conversation as that could be OVER A MONTH!. I'm sorry, but I can not do that. I have my goals to get medically and physically stable. I understand that it could be 3 weeks etc, but over a month?!?! I need to go out once I reach that point to continue my plan and get structure in my everyday life. And heck I can't wait that long to see Carlos or my babies. It also scares me because Carlos just says, okay whatever she says' you'll stay here as long as you need. and I feel that he thinks once I step out of here I will be RECOVERED for LIFE. I think I have a good approach and plan as to how to make things work. I wanted to come here to move forward whereas in the fall I didn't really want to go in and did it because it was told i needed to. Yes it was my final decision, but i did everything and anything to get out of there. Anyways...I think you know how things went before and my plan for now. I spoke to Joanna tonight and she helped. Like everyone says just take it one day at a time. I just wish the therapist didn't say that today, because then I wouldn't be worrying about all this. I know my psychiatrist here, joanna and i are all on the same page and I trust the two of them. Joanna is actually hapy with my progress and involvement here. I told her how things are going well, I am participating a lot, and today i wrote a lists of strengths and weaknesses (my assignment for my psychiatrist). In the strengths I acutally put that I am intuitive, smart, deteremined etc. I have never said or thought that I am smart. Being here i have realized that. I am smart. I do know a lot and understand deep tough things a lot better than anyone here. I can separate myself from my thoughts (eating disorder, depression, anxiety etc.). I know when it's occruing. Most people here are here for their first treatment and are much younger (all the colletge people are leaving...even if just been her 1-2weeks...to go back to school) and younger people are coming in. CRAPPPPPPPPPPP. IO'm listening to this girl on the phone behind me and wow. I can completely see through her. I can see me having done it. Saying things that i know i won't do. saying how much i am doing and how its expected to relapse etc. That seems to set me up with excuse if I did relapse....which i think is what happened. though surprisingly i didn't say that outloud to anyone. hmm new thought that came to my mind. I know it's all crap. I tried telling her and two other girls what they need to think about and do while in recovery if they truly want to get better. I dont want them to have to go through what i have done for so many eyars. This girl sneaks in exercise constantly and is very sneaky. I didn't do that, but I know that she will definitely end up back somewhere. I can actually say that because I can see what I did before. Anyways...sorry for the blabber.good nightxoxome
Today was partially difficult in that during my family session with carlos because the therapist brought up how the whole process here works. Meaning inpatient, then 11hr day program and after a week, leave early one day, then a week later probably get a day off and wean myself away. I did not like that conversation as that could be OVER A MONTH!. I'm sorry, but I can not do that. I have my goals to get medically and physically stable. I understand that it could be 3 weeks etc, but over a month?!?! I need to go out once I reach that point to continue my plan and get structure in my everyday life. And heck I can't wait that long to see Carlos or my babies. It also scares me because Carlos just says, okay whatever she says' you'll stay here as long as you need. and I feel that he thinks once I step out of here I will be RECOVERED for LIFE. I think I have a good approach and plan as to how to make things work. I wanted to come here to move forward whereas in the fall I didn't really want to go in and did it because it was told i needed to. Yes it was my final decision, but i did everything and anything to get out of there. Anyways...I think you know how things went before and my plan for now. I spoke to Joanna tonight and she helped. Like everyone says just take it one day at a time. I just wish the therapist didn't say that today, because then I wouldn't be worrying about all this. I know my psychiatrist here, joanna and i are all on the same page and I trust the two of them. Joanna is actually hapy with my progress and involvement here. I told her how things are going well, I am participating a lot, and today i wrote a lists of strengths and weaknesses (my assignment for my psychiatrist). In the strengths I acutally put that I am intuitive, smart, deteremined etc. I have never said or thought that I am smart. Being here i have realized that. I am smart. I do know a lot and understand deep tough things a lot better than anyone here. I can separate myself from my thoughts (eating disorder, depression, anxiety etc.). I know when it's occruing. Most people here are here for their first treatment and are much younger (all the colletge people are leaving...even if just been her 1-2weeks...to go back to school) and younger people are coming in. CRAPPPPPPPPPPP. IO'm listening to this girl on the phone behind me and wow. I can completely see through her. I can see me having done it. Saying things that i know i won't do. saying how much i am doing and how its expected to relapse etc. That seems to set me up with excuse if I did relapse....which i think is what happened. though surprisingly i didn't say that outloud to anyone. hmm new thought that came to my mind. I know it's all crap. I tried telling her and two other girls what they need to think about and do while in recovery if they truly want to get better. I dont want them to have to go through what i have done for so many eyars. This girl sneaks in exercise constantly and is very sneaky. I didn't do that, but I know that she will definitely end up back somewhere. I can actually say that because I can see what I did before. Anyways...sorry for the blabber.good nightxoxome
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