joanna

first i am going to say that i had written a long email about my frustrations, anger, etc. earlier that i printed off and then deleted from my computer so i would not be able to send it to you. i felt proud of myself for doing that. below is something that i strongly feel that i actually should send you. something that is important, though at the same time i feel it might not be? i'm not sure. i am afraid that even though i feel this is all positive and great, that somewhere in this there is some underlying feeling or thought that might be rude or unfair for you to read. but honestly i do not see that and i have read it over and over to see if there was. i do really want a response and i know that i am being needy saying that, and i understand if there is nothing to say in a response or if there is even a point, but thats just how i am i guess. yes i might be frustrated if i dont get one, but i can't always get what i want and i know that, intellectually at least.

i am going to change. i have to change and i will change. i cannot keep doing this to everyone. no one deserves this pain. i know i have said all this before and that noone will believe it until they see it, but i will. today i saw the pain that i put carlos through in his eyes. i dont know if i could feel the pain, but i ended up crying and feeling horrible. I cannot keep doing this to him. yes i dont want to really change because i just dont care and i am scared, but i have to. i will continue following jills plan despite not wanting to. i will cry, get upset, angry and most likely hate myself for having to do all this- but i have to deal with those emotions and realize that they will pass at some point in time. i know that i am not doing this for the right reasons, but i dont feel that i ever will do it for myself. yes maybe someday i will, but that is not going to be soon enough for everyone else. today you said i'm not going to be happy at 103, 101, 98, 95 or any other weight. i believe that. i do keep thinking that the lower it goes maybe i will, becuase the other week i looked in a mirror and thought i looked really good and i hadn't felt that in a really long time. I still dont know how i can possibly be happy with a higher weight if i'm not comfortable with what my weight is now. I'm sick of all these fucking numbers. the food, calories, weight- i'm done with it. I don't feel like my brain can handle it anymore. it has to change and get better. I'm going to go to do it. I got this far with gaining a few pounds, i can continue with jill's plan. I know i'm going to freak so maybe i should take your advice in that when it happens to just say, okay this is what's happening, i can and will get over it etc. i can't guarentee that every day will be perfect and that i'm not going to fuck up- but i need to do what i can and clearly i can do the eating because i have been. i still cant bare the fact of needing to get up to at least 110 at some point or the fact that my clothes will eventually be too small. It especially makes it harder when my parents, sister, and carlos say 'okay so you're going to keep going like this until you're 113-115. just hearing those numbers scare me. school's coming up really fast and im not giong to be able to do well if my mind is filled with all this crap. like i said, i do not want to do this but i dont know what else there is to do. there are no other options. i am afraid like i have said multiple times already and im afriad that i will not be able to fullfil what i am saying, but by what i just said just says to everyone that i wont do it because i have a feeling of doubt in me. i don't know what else to do besides just suck it up and do this. there really is no other option. i'll do about anything it takes to change right now. i know no one is going to tell me what to do, but i wish someone just would. i dont feel that i know what is the right way to go about this. i dont know if i am making the most accurate decisions or if my thoughts even make sense. i just know i need to change.

lastly i have a question. i feel as though i have a lot of anger recently...well for a while i guess. i feel like this is a problem, but is it? to me it seems as though it really is and that i have taken 'expressing my feelings especially expressing myself when i am upset' to a completely different level. i need and want to control it, but how do i?

nevermind one more thing- as writing this i just received a call back from Dr Ceaser and have schedule an appointment for Tuesday at 4:50. I am cancelling the appointment earlier that day with Mitchell, but am not saying anything yet in case this Dr falls through.

steff