Ok and here is the rest of the shit that went on today. Also now that im above weight I'm dropping the damn boost.

Joanna,

I called the two psychiatrists you recommended. Dr Caesar was very nice and answered all my questions. He even picked up the phone while he was not in his office. Lastly his cost is actually $10 lower than mitchells. The second one I talked to the office person was an asshole. He said he was not accepting new patients and when I said for medication not therapy he kept trying to get me to work with this other lady no matter how many times I said, no he was recommended to me- not her. I was very irritated and am not calling back.

One thing I have to say is that after my first phone call I ended up crying because the costs that he told me were so high and I felt like I was not going to find anyone new. Plus you said he would be really good. But then he called back saying that he gave me the wrong information and that was the price for psychotherapy not medication management. What a relief. But I still can't believe his price for therapy! I also cried after the second call because I was so irritated.

I know you said that I should expect to feel this way because of my anger regarding the food/weight agreement, but I don't feel that it anything to do with this. It's something completely different. These are just my messed up emotions. Over the past many months I have had times like this where the littlest things have irritated and upset me. That's why I don't understand why this is related
to anger regarding something else. Now I'm going to say that this makes me feel stupid and like an idiot because 1) I shouldn't be acting this way, yet I am and 2) that I should understand this yet I don't. And the second really makes me feel just plain dumb, like I have no insight and I'm not smart enough. Now I know you're going to say that we know I'm not dumb or an idiot and that I'm doing this for pitty- BUT it is how I feel. So how the heck is that doing it for pitty. Once again you're probably going to say that it is and that I know that. Which Ibdon't believe is true because then I would just admit it- that would be followed by you saying that I don't take ownership/responsibility to other things so why would this be any different. All this is really frustrating and angers me (but I know in session this is where I just shut up and want to move on because I don't feel like anything I say is going to change your mind and that you are obviously right) but it really is how I feel. I'm not making things up- I promise.

I think I just had a session by myself. I'm sorry for just assuming your answers- but that's how i feel it would go.

I just told mom about the psychiatrists that I spoke with and she said I want you to start on a clean slate. Then she said "
"well, psychiatrists are pointless, they aren't real doctors and they over medicate you when they don't even know your medical history. Plus who knows what you tell them. They just want to give you drugs and move you on your merry way. You are overmedicatedand addicted to what you're on." I said, "how am I addicted. I would love to not be on all this." She said, "well the other day when yousaid that you took two trazadone and it made you sleep better, then clearly you are addicted.How can they help you if your unstable and don't even know what's going on." I said, "I know very well what's going on and I know why none of these medications are working, but at the same time they didn't even work when I wad at a better weight this past winter." I continued to say, "I am very intuitive and I do analyze things, so I do know very well everything that is going on." She said, "you overanalyze everything and need to stop because it's ridiculous and obviously it not helping." Then she went on saying, " it's been over eleven months and you should be over this whole thing and be better. I do not care when people say that it takes a few years or what not. You should be better." I responded with, "it has been going on for years, I just hid it and did not voice it until a year ago because I knew what was going on and knew that it would be physically obvious soon." At that time she said I looked great and it was healthy that I lost some weight. That egged me on more. Same thing in college, she said when I went down to 115 pounds that I looked much better. She also always blamed it on whatever medication I was on and convinced me of that.

Yes I know she had every right to some of those feelings but I do not believe that all of what she was accurate or necessary to say. When I said to her that I did not want to live my life like this, her response was, "clearlyyou do." I said, "if I did I would of never sought people out and I would of stopped seeing people a long time back. Plus with this whole weight by this date thing, I would of said screw it I am not doing. But because I know that if I don't do it I will lose everyone and I do not want that. If I did want that then I wouldn't be trying to make weight and just give up." She kept going on and I eventually said, "I have to walk Saffy now." She kept going and I said, " look I really need to walk Saffy, I'm already late."

Oh and the one thing that really mad me made was when she said, "thereare a lot of people that are way worse off than you and need the help that you are getting. Your issues are not that bad. You are not in a bad place and there are a lot of people that actually need help and have a problem." Yet at the same time she constantly says that she thinks that I am going to die." I said that, "I have voicedthat before and everyone says it doesn't matter that there are people worse off than you. Yes there are but you still do not deserve to live like this. You still have an eating disorder." She asked who is everyone. I said, "everyone I see. Joanna, my pcp, Jill, Mitchell." She said, "That is interesting and I do not really believe that, but whatever." And yes you have said that.

Ahhhhhhhh. I am so frustrated.

Now to make my day worse I weighed myself and it was 101. That's 3 pounds up from what I weighed on this scale last Friday. And two pounds up from Monday. I thought this was a gradual increase. Now I'm going to be a whale if I keep going like this. I am even more angry and upset now.

Steffanie

--I was trying really hard to refrain from sending this, but with weighing myself just now I must. I don't know why but I need to. All I will think about is whether I should send this or not.