Very productive day!!
Seeing Jill today was very productive as well, though I did leave feeling very frustrated. i was so proud of my change in eating habits and had such high hopes that the scale would of said that I gained, or at the very least that I stayed the same. Not the case. 97.5 What the heck? I told her I now will add a boost. Unfortunately next week she is on vacation so she can not weigh me. Crappers! So the plan I/we came up with is that Sunday I will weight myself at the gym to determine if a second boost is needed and then I will weight myself again next thursday. Depending on that weight, I may have to start eating like a cow.
Oh and my dad also suggested that I weigh myself tomorrow afternoon so I have something to compare against since her scale could be different than another.
Lastly, I just received an email from my father answering my question of what I say and how I act affects is his response...his is the one that made me cry.
"Let's see...."the way you are"..... I assume you are talking about the way you are dealing with your anxiety and weight issues. I say that because there is another side of "the way you are" which I'll discuss later. The two sides affect me differently. When you say you don't care about losing weight, you don't care about school, you don't care about coxing, you don't care about yourself, you don't care about doing anything, I feel terrible. When I see you so skinny that your bones stick out and you look sickly, I feel terrible. Sometimes I have cried when alone and thinking about you like on the way home from work or in bed or like right now my eyes are swelling up. It affects me this way because you are my daughter and I love you very much. I just can't understand why you would think this way or do this to yourself. You came out of Sheppard Pratt looking so healthy and in good spirits. You have a husband that loves you dearly. You exceeded expectations of your first job and stuck through it for two years despite a difficult boss. You have done well in Nursing school. And you have a family (though not perfect... and I challenge you to find a perfect family) who loves you and supports you. Yes, finances are tough right now, but that is the norm for most young adults in the country. You are on the right path. So I am not really sad, angry, frustrated or hurt. It is more feeling sick and helpless watching someone I love hurt herself emotionally and physically in front of my eyes.
Now there is the other side of the "way you are". The side I saw from the time you were born through high school until when you hit the depression but the side that is always in your core and periodically emerges. This side is very kind and caring, believes in herself with some healthy self-doubt, works hard, and is an outwardly loving sister, daughter and grand daughter. That side makes me feel great.
So that in a short email is how I am affected. I could go on but it is difficult for me. As we discussed, I am always willing to listen and talk and I will try to be open and honest with you. And I will only financially support what I think will help. Regardless, I will always be there for you. You are my daughter. I love you unconditionally. And that will never change.
With all my love,Papa Bear"
I love my daddy.