Today's session was horrible. We talked about food, eating, weight the whole fuckiny time. It was bad.

My dietitian talked to my therapist and said I was underweight and am a harm to myself. She declared that I am not medically stable.

So my therapist said that clearly I am not trying and we cannot get anywhere here. So I need to try a dbt group that meetsim multiple times a week or hospital. I refused both.

So we came to an agreement. Two weeks from today I need to be 100. If I'm not she is going to call my parents and Carlos in and tell the different options

So the 100 is from Jill's scale. Meaning it's only 2 pounds. But agh im scared. But I'm going to do this jut so I don't get sent anywhere against my will

I'm so upset and pissed at Joanna that we had to talk about this. I am FInE!!! Fuck u all

Now here is what I sent to Joanna tonight after I cooled off....


I am so upset and frustrated with myself for making the session go the way it did today. I do not like myself for the way I behaved two weeks ago when you were gone. I should have known better. I also want to apologize for wasting your time because of what I did. I do believe I took the week you were gone as a free pass and abused it. Since no one was checking on me I didn't have to follow our agreement. And yes I know I ate the poorest I have in a while that week.I am going to work my butt off the next two weeks because I do not want to go anywhere and I do not want you to talk to my parents. I will do this. Though I am terrified. I am terrified of gaining and then continuing to gain. I'm afraid I will go out of control. It terrifies me. What if once I start eating more and then love eating and keep eating and eating and eating. I do not want to get back to 120 pounds which is a few pounds lighter than when I first started seeing Jill. I look back at those pictures and all I see is a huge whale. Pictures from when I was 110 look decent. But I think I look beautiful from the pictures we took on the cruise!! I think I look good! I look skinny but still healthy.Even though others say I am too skinny I really truely do not believe that.

As I think about one of the things you said 'your not healthy because your not sleeping well and you're thinking clearly". I get it now. Not 4 hours ago, but now. Yes I am not sleeping well at all. And for the thinking- in the moment it's fine. But somewhat correlated to that is the fact that I had no desire to study or do anything for my finals in my class, I didn't care. For coxing, I just don't care either. It's like I have a lack of interest in anything. I feel that I am getting more and more emotional as well as irritated. I feel like my anger as increased as well. For crin out loud Carlos had to get me away from a PSA chick at the airport because she pissed me off. I am making myself a mess.

I do wish I could have the best of all worlds. Stay at this weight. Keep my emotions under control. Eat well and not gain. I know that's all impossible. So I will gain those two pounds in two weeks. I will. But my question am I going to ever accept myself for the way I am? How am I going to like myself inside and outside? I don't see it possible but I want to. All I want is to be happy with who I am at whatever weight. I don't want to have to worry about food and weight all my life. It sucks.

But at the same time I feel that maybe I deserve this. Maybe I did something so
Horrible that being like this is my punishment.

Ok so now my mind wonders what if I can't meet the weight in two weeks. I will make it, bit what would happen on the slight xhance I didn't. Are you just not going to let me come in and leave me on the streets to die. My mother called me tonight and said that when I walked in the house last night
To drop something off that I looked like I was wasting away. So on
The phone she asked me up front if I wanted to live or die. She also reitterated that they will not pay for me to go to the hospital again. So if I don't make the weight, I'm fuxked and out on the streets alone.

Tonight while deciding on what to make for dinner I just stared in the fridge and cupboards. Nothing looked appealing. Usually I would say fuck it an just walk out, but I he
knew I had to eat so I made sloppy joes.

Lastly there is one thing that I remberred you saying after I walked out. Months ago you said that no matter what weight I got to you would not make me go anywhere. What happened to that?????

For next session I think we should just start from the first email I sent you and move through them. I'm going to print them off and read them since I honestly don't remember, so maybe I'll change my mind.