This morning I was so very upset. At first I tried to just let it roll off my shoulders, but then became angry, and eventually upset enough to make me cry. NO THIS IS NOT TO MAKE MYSELF FEEL BAD OR FEEL SORRY FOR MYSELF.
Mike sent me a message this morning saying, "This is going to be my last week with capital. I will be jumping between here and Princeton for the national team". I asked him if Capital knew about this because they are trying to work on lineups and currently have him in them to race. He said “no not yet. I have been gone since I knew. I was in Colorado for five days training for the National team”.
How can he be that fucking good? Oh and then he brags that there is a fucking article in his home town newspaper about him and how fantastic of a coxswain he is. Fuck him. I gave Capital’s Men’s Rep a head’s up regarding Mike (the rep, Michael Zgoda, is super close to me and is one of the surprise visits that I had while I was at SP) because Zgoda does not like last minute changes. Zgoda then started bitching about Mike and saying there is no way he is good enough for the National team and out of all the coxswains on Capital Gretchen or I would perform better on the National Team. He also said that the only reason Mike gets anywhere is probably because of his disability. I felt so good that I am not the only person that feels this way. And no, I did not mention my feelings before Zgoda said this!!
Then to boot how upset I was, Carlos said he was going to run out real quick to get a money order and to pick up our mail. Thirty plus minutes later he had not returned. Eventually he sent me a text saying that he was at Bank of America closing his account. Okay that’s fine because I have been telling him for a year now that he needs to do that, I was happy with that. Then he said that he might just go to school following that to study. Wtf? When he left he said he was going to be real quick and come back home to help me clean the fish tank. How convenient that he left right when I started cleaning instead of helping me like he said he would after the television show that he was watching finished. I was so frustrated and still am. I feel like he doesn’t do anything around the house and that I do it all. All he wants to do is train and sleep. When I’m home and have things to do he just says, “Come snuggle with me, let’s take a nap”. I don’t want to because I have things to do and don’t like sleeping during the day. Anyways- after being at the bank, he came home for about 5 minutes. I explained that I was frustrated that he just left and I had to clean the tank myself (it’s BIG) and his response was, “ok, so what”. AHH. Then he said, “God why are you so cranky and pissed off?” I told him about the Mike thing. His response was, “why can’t you just be happy for him- I’m happy for him”. This just pissed me off more, but I just kept it in and sucked it up. Before he left there was still no offer from him to help with anything.
Okay, moving forward from that. Last night I sent an email to my parent’s saying, “I want the honest truth here. Back around Christmas time you guys said how much better I looked than when i went into Sheppard Pratt. You said I looked exhausted, eyes sunken in etc. I want an honest opinion of what you think I look like now- besides the obvious of being too thin and having my bones stick out.”
I got a response just now saying, “Steff, I'm impressed that you are asking for honest feedback. I know that if you are asking for it, you will listen to it. This is a good sign.
Truth be known....here it comes are you ready...2nd sentence when you came out of Sheppard Pratt I was sooo happy because you looked like our ol beans again...you looked extremely healthy, your skin was fresh looking, and you had a spark whereas before your eyes were sunken in like black holes and you were dragging. Now I can't say that your eyes are sunken in, but I can say that after you do something out of your regular routine (ie cox like this past weekend) you do tend to exhibit exhaustion much faster that a robust individual (reason why I drove you to your car), plus I think you bruise a lot easier. Your face now appears to be pointier and your jowls are more obvious and when you smile there are some skin folds...your bones sticking out well they are definitely doing that esp on your back and if you slouch it is very pronounced looking. Sometimes I actually think that you slouch so that it makes your stomach appear fuller than the sunken hole that I think it is. Stand tall, and stick out those boobies (As Elena would say). Any addition of pounds in the + direction will definitely rid you of what is very noticeable to not only me but PB and little sis. Love Ya Lots.”
Mike sent me a message this morning saying, "This is going to be my last week with capital. I will be jumping between here and Princeton for the national team". I asked him if Capital knew about this because they are trying to work on lineups and currently have him in them to race. He said “no not yet. I have been gone since I knew. I was in Colorado for five days training for the National team”.
How can he be that fucking good? Oh and then he brags that there is a fucking article in his home town newspaper about him and how fantastic of a coxswain he is. Fuck him. I gave Capital’s Men’s Rep a head’s up regarding Mike (the rep, Michael Zgoda, is super close to me and is one of the surprise visits that I had while I was at SP) because Zgoda does not like last minute changes. Zgoda then started bitching about Mike and saying there is no way he is good enough for the National team and out of all the coxswains on Capital Gretchen or I would perform better on the National Team. He also said that the only reason Mike gets anywhere is probably because of his disability. I felt so good that I am not the only person that feels this way. And no, I did not mention my feelings before Zgoda said this!!
Then to boot how upset I was, Carlos said he was going to run out real quick to get a money order and to pick up our mail. Thirty plus minutes later he had not returned. Eventually he sent me a text saying that he was at Bank of America closing his account. Okay that’s fine because I have been telling him for a year now that he needs to do that, I was happy with that. Then he said that he might just go to school following that to study. Wtf? When he left he said he was going to be real quick and come back home to help me clean the fish tank. How convenient that he left right when I started cleaning instead of helping me like he said he would after the television show that he was watching finished. I was so frustrated and still am. I feel like he doesn’t do anything around the house and that I do it all. All he wants to do is train and sleep. When I’m home and have things to do he just says, “Come snuggle with me, let’s take a nap”. I don’t want to because I have things to do and don’t like sleeping during the day. Anyways- after being at the bank, he came home for about 5 minutes. I explained that I was frustrated that he just left and I had to clean the tank myself (it’s BIG) and his response was, “ok, so what”. AHH. Then he said, “God why are you so cranky and pissed off?” I told him about the Mike thing. His response was, “why can’t you just be happy for him- I’m happy for him”. This just pissed me off more, but I just kept it in and sucked it up. Before he left there was still no offer from him to help with anything.
Okay, moving forward from that. Last night I sent an email to my parent’s saying, “I want the honest truth here. Back around Christmas time you guys said how much better I looked than when i went into Sheppard Pratt. You said I looked exhausted, eyes sunken in etc. I want an honest opinion of what you think I look like now- besides the obvious of being too thin and having my bones stick out.”
I got a response just now saying, “Steff, I'm impressed that you are asking for honest feedback. I know that if you are asking for it, you will listen to it. This is a good sign.
Truth be known....here it comes are you ready...2nd sentence when you came out of Sheppard Pratt I was sooo happy because you looked like our ol beans again...you looked extremely healthy, your skin was fresh looking, and you had a spark whereas before your eyes were sunken in like black holes and you were dragging. Now I can't say that your eyes are sunken in, but I can say that after you do something out of your regular routine (ie cox like this past weekend) you do tend to exhibit exhaustion much faster that a robust individual (reason why I drove you to your car), plus I think you bruise a lot easier. Your face now appears to be pointier and your jowls are more obvious and when you smile there are some skin folds...your bones sticking out well they are definitely doing that esp on your back and if you slouch it is very pronounced looking. Sometimes I actually think that you slouch so that it makes your stomach appear fuller than the sunken hole that I think it is. Stand tall, and stick out those boobies (As Elena would say). Any addition of pounds in the + direction will definitely rid you of what is very noticeable to not only me but PB and little sis. Love Ya Lots.”
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