today
Today has been great so far! Carlos was so loving this morning! Like I said last night, it was like nothing ever happened. We spent a few hours mid day together as well. Now I am about to go to Joanna and I am terrified. I have no idea what to expect. I am going to tell her what I wrote yesterday and am hoping it all goes well. I am still not sure If I want to tell her about last night. I have not given carlos the letter that I wrote him, but I did type it up. I sent it to my parents because what I wrote fits for them too. Here is what I wrote
I know that you are upset, angry and disappointed. I know that you feel that because of my weight, I dont love or care about you. You have every right to feel that way. Everyone has the right to their own feelings and it is understandable that you feel that way.
I know when I say I am trying and I do love you/care about you, that it doesnt feel that way to you. But it is true. I am not doing this to make you feel this way- I promise.
Whatever I say I know is not going to make you happy. The only thing that will make you happy or satisfied is if the number on the scale goes up. I know that your thinking is black and white- I understand that.
I wish you could see how I am trying- but I know that no one will get it unless they have actually walked in my shoes for a day. But that clearly is not possible.
The past two week I have started trying harder to care about myself by actually taking care of my psoriasis on my scalp (you noticed that the other day), cooking more meals/snacks/desserts, eating good meals, and having snacks throughout the day. If I had not been trying then I would have continued to lose weight from last week to this week, yet I did not. In fact, Saturday I knew I had to eat a lot over the weekend in order to make up for Friday- so I did. And I succeeded and maintained. I was so proud of myself!
I am terrified or gaining weight. I am finally actually comfortable with my body. I know it is not in my healthy weight range, but to me it is okay. I know I need to change and I want to, but I am scared out of my mind. I will continue trying to at least maintain my weight if not gain. I will tell you my weight each time I see Jill, granted she tells me (sometimes she doesnt, but will say if I gained, maintained, or lost), and as I know you were shocked today since you had no idea. I was just scared to tell you because of your reaction. A healthy weight range for a person my age, body frame, and height is 103-130 pounds.
Today Jill said that before we focus on gaining weight we need to first focus on maintaining and not losing- then start gaining. I know this will not sit well with you, but that is all that I think I can actually do at the moment. A reasonable goal for the near future is to get into my healthy range and move up to 103 pounds. Then when I feel comfortable with that I can start gaining more, but only then when I feel comfortable and am ready. I will continue what I am doing (3 good meals, 2-3 snacks and sometimes a supplement) to reach that point. I cannot make promises as to how long it will take, but hopefully sooner than later for your sake.
To say that I need to get up to 115 pounds is unreasonable. Gaining 5 pounds in 3 weeks is also unrealistic. I am sorry if this upsets you, but I am not able to or is it physically possible for me to do that. I am willing to try to get into my healthy weight range of 103 pounds even though I am completely terrified and am not comfortable to do that yet.
Like I said, I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are. I am sorry that you feel this way. I cannot reiterate enough that I do love you and care about you more than anything else in the world. This is now how I chose or want to live my life. I also do not want you to have to live like this. This is one of my motivations to change.
I know that you only get upset and mad because you love and care about me and dont want to lose me. I can promise you that you will NEVER lose me and we will live a long life together until we are old.
I am sorry for putting you through this pain, you do not deserve this.
I know that you are upset, angry and disappointed. I know that you feel that because of my weight, I dont love or care about you. You have every right to feel that way. Everyone has the right to their own feelings and it is understandable that you feel that way.
I know when I say I am trying and I do love you/care about you, that it doesnt feel that way to you. But it is true. I am not doing this to make you feel this way- I promise.
Whatever I say I know is not going to make you happy. The only thing that will make you happy or satisfied is if the number on the scale goes up. I know that your thinking is black and white- I understand that.
I wish you could see how I am trying- but I know that no one will get it unless they have actually walked in my shoes for a day. But that clearly is not possible.
The past two week I have started trying harder to care about myself by actually taking care of my psoriasis on my scalp (you noticed that the other day), cooking more meals/snacks/desserts, eating good meals, and having snacks throughout the day. If I had not been trying then I would have continued to lose weight from last week to this week, yet I did not. In fact, Saturday I knew I had to eat a lot over the weekend in order to make up for Friday- so I did. And I succeeded and maintained. I was so proud of myself!
I am terrified or gaining weight. I am finally actually comfortable with my body. I know it is not in my healthy weight range, but to me it is okay. I know I need to change and I want to, but I am scared out of my mind. I will continue trying to at least maintain my weight if not gain. I will tell you my weight each time I see Jill, granted she tells me (sometimes she doesnt, but will say if I gained, maintained, or lost), and as I know you were shocked today since you had no idea. I was just scared to tell you because of your reaction. A healthy weight range for a person my age, body frame, and height is 103-130 pounds.
Today Jill said that before we focus on gaining weight we need to first focus on maintaining and not losing- then start gaining. I know this will not sit well with you, but that is all that I think I can actually do at the moment. A reasonable goal for the near future is to get into my healthy range and move up to 103 pounds. Then when I feel comfortable with that I can start gaining more, but only then when I feel comfortable and am ready. I will continue what I am doing (3 good meals, 2-3 snacks and sometimes a supplement) to reach that point. I cannot make promises as to how long it will take, but hopefully sooner than later for your sake.
To say that I need to get up to 115 pounds is unreasonable. Gaining 5 pounds in 3 weeks is also unrealistic. I am sorry if this upsets you, but I am not able to or is it physically possible for me to do that. I am willing to try to get into my healthy weight range of 103 pounds even though I am completely terrified and am not comfortable to do that yet.
Like I said, I completely understand why you are feeling the way you are. I am sorry that you feel this way. I cannot reiterate enough that I do love you and care about you more than anything else in the world. This is now how I chose or want to live my life. I also do not want you to have to live like this. This is one of my motivations to change.
I know that you only get upset and mad because you love and care about me and dont want to lose me. I can promise you that you will NEVER lose me and we will live a long life together until we are old.
I am sorry for putting you through this pain, you do not deserve this.
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