The entire time in lecture and even now in lab I have not been able to focus. Carlos has not sent me any messages or anything. When I left my apartment I was a wreck and called my dad. He listened. While in lecture I wrote two pages (front and back on each) to Carlos. Maybe later I will type it up. Or
Scan it in.
I then wrote what I want to tell Joanna tomorrow. "today was great until I was writing in my journal at my desk like I usually do, when all of a sudden Carlos snuck up behind me to tickle me. He then saw a number on my journal. He freaked. Spazzed. He was angry and frustrated. I understand why. He has every right to feel that way. I have not told him my weights. He only said after he saw the number that I need to gain weight and if I'm not gaining weight then I am not trying. And if I am not gaining weight then I don't love him or care about him. Maintaining is not an option. He says I have to gain two pounds a week. That I need to be 115 and no less. If I dont gain then I don't love him. He doesn't care if I'm eating well and better than I have in a long time. The number on the scale is all that counts. I have been early better and he has seen that. But he does not care. I am actually comfortable with myself right now. Jill even said i have been eating better. He doesn't care and won't listen to anything I say.
Scan it in.
I then wrote what I want to tell Joanna tomorrow. "today was great until I was writing in my journal at my desk like I usually do, when all of a sudden Carlos snuck up behind me to tickle me. He then saw a number on my journal. He freaked. Spazzed. He was angry and frustrated. I understand why. He has every right to feel that way. I have not told him my weights. He only said after he saw the number that I need to gain weight and if I'm not gaining weight then I am not trying. And if I am not gaining weight then I don't love him or care about him. Maintaining is not an option. He says I have to gain two pounds a week. That I need to be 115 and no less. If I dont gain then I don't love him. He doesn't care if I'm eating well and better than I have in a long time. The number on the scale is all that counts. I have been early better and he has seen that. But he does not care. I am actually comfortable with myself right now. Jill even said i have been eating better. He doesn't care and won't listen to anything I say.
Replies
I can understand why Carlos is acting this way, he is scared that you are going to go so far downhill that you will die or get really really sick. Tysen told me that he refuses to sit back and watch me die and that I need to get a handle on shit. And that kinda kicked my ass into gear to stay healthy. I dont think that is a nice route for Carlos to go, I think it is out of desperation and that he dose not want to see you get worse.
Just tell him what you need from him to help you become heatlhy and that saying words that he used were hurtful and not helping but prob making ED worse!
You are not a number but you can\'t stay where you are either. And the weight gain of 2 pounds a week is pretty accurate but for me it would be impossible to do on the outside. Rethink your options.
Ha ya that\'s impossible to do on my own no fucking weight. I can probably get just above triple digits but I am sooo scared.
My husband sounds exactly like Carlos. They take it personally when we don\'t gain the weight and think that we are doing it to fuck them over when it has nothing to do with them at all. Has he gone to any group therapy or couples therapy? Maybe a little education would help him. Granted my hubby has been to those and still has issues but it helps when I can see that he is acting out of fear and not anger or trying to control me. Carlos just loves you dearly and is scared that something will happen to you. Try showing him your meal plans and the progress that you are making. Sometimes if they see what you are doing in black and white they understand it better then us trying to tell them verbally. Call it a man thing. Go figure...
When I was in IP at Sheppard Pratt he came in for 1 family therapy. When I was at Renfrew Day program he came in for 1 family therapy and went to an evening support group with me. Prior to SP he came in with me to my therapist 2x and my dietitian 1x and after Renfrew he has come to my therapist 1x with me.
He get\'s it...he just cares and loves me so much that he worries.
I can\'t show him my meal plan because I\'m not following it. She hasn\'t even given me one....just a general idea. My therapist and I have a contract of eating 3meals a day and 2snacks otherwise all we will talk about during therapy is my ED and food and why i didnt follow it.
That has been a good motivation and he knows that plan