The one thing that I cannot get out of my mind at the moment is Lindsay, one of my friends. She has always called me her BFF, but she is not my BFF. I always go along with what she says just to make her happy because I was always the person that wanted to make everyone happy no matter what I personally think or feel. As I work in therapy one of the things that we work on is me expressing how I truly feel, regardless of how I feel I should feel/act. So to be quite honest I do not want to keep pretending with her and I want to tell her the truth. I know it wont sit well with her at all, but I really dont give a shit- I know that is wrong but I dont. I dont care if she never talks to me again. I dont care about her feelings or what she will say.

Anyways, a while back she said that no matter what she wants me to be one of her bridesmaids when she gets married and perhaps evens her maid of honor. She would then ask if she was going to be one of mine. I knew if I said no that she would get really upset, so I would just go along with it to make her happy and say yes. Now as I move forward I realize that I do not want her to be and the only reason why I would have her be one is to make her happy, not me. Regardless of my feelings now, I also dont want her to be one because she pisses me off more and more all the time. I absolutely without a doubt do not want her in my wedding party even though she thinks she is. I dont remember but perhaps when I got engaged almost 2 years ago I might have said something, but now my mind is completely changed. Am I allowed to change my mind? Is that wrong? What am I supposed to do? How do I say this all?

Yesterday I also flipped on her. She asked me when we were going to hang out. She has asked me this continuously and I always have the same answer. Between random dog walks throughout the day, numerous appointments, class, and wanting to spend time with CarlosI honestly do not have much time. That goes for any friend toobesides Blair. This time I also said the truth that I do not really want to see anyone and I do not want anyone to see me at this point. She didnt buy that so I said, Finehow the fuck do you think I am? You wanna know the truth, here. I have a serious fucking eating disorder, Im depressed like none other, I have lost a shit ton of weight since you last saw me, I dont give a flying fuck about life, I am self-injuring again, and at times I would love to jump off a bridge. How does that sound? Did I answer your question? Then she was like, well Im your bff and I have an awesome birthday present for you that I need to give you. I have to see you, I need you. So did everything I saw just go in one ear and out the other? Then she asked me my weight. I said it was fine. Nope didnt fly. So I told her, Im 98 pounds but I feel fucking great. Better than I did in the Fall. Didnt go over well. She said, well if you hang out with your bff then you would feel better. Oh really, is that so. Go fuck yourself Lindsay. Then she says, can I help you with wedding planning? I said, no thanks, I got it covered. Then she said, what if you get under 100lbs, will your parents make you go somewhere again? Did she seriously not understand that I said I was 98lbs?! OMG. I told her no, no one will make me go anywhere, Im a god damn adult.

Then she goes on saying, you know Carrson (her step brother who is my Chiropractor) would be concerned. Duh thats why I havent gone since February. Then she says she is worried. She wasnt worried in the Fall, she never visited me or called me or sent me anything while I was there. All my other good friends did. Even all my friends on DS. I told her, Dont worry, there is no reason to. Thats why I dont want to tell people because I dont want people to worry. Its not worth your time. Its my problem and I need to deal with it myself. Im fine. I always am fine. Nothing ever happens. Then she said, Well I need to tell people about this. WTF? If I want people to know I will tell them. She has no right to tell people about ME. I told her that she dare not and if she does I will be really fucking pissed with her. She cannot make decisions for me. I am an adult, she can go fuck herself.

She also pisses me off because I have helped her so much in the past two years since she graduated college and have I ever gotten a thank you? Nope. I set up a fucking interview for her, she was offered the job but she turned it down because she said the pay was too low. 8 months later, still no job. I told her she needs to lower her standards and just take any job right about now. She complains about wanting to move out of her parents house asap, but she cant do that without money and a job. She never even thanked me for the interview nor did she tell me how it went. She never mentioned it again. I had to ask the person who did her interview how it went and if she took the position.

Lastly she constantly asks me, do you miss me? Also at the end of conversations shell say, love ya and if I dont say it back she says, why didnt you say it back to me? AHHH. Maybe because I dont mean it?

Awesomeless than a mile from my apartment I got a screw stuck in my tire. Fuck. Of course I broke down in tears when I parked and saw it because I could hear the air leaking out of it. Fuck what do I do. I called Carlos and he did not pick up. I went upstairs and there he was sleeping. Of course, like always. I told him and he was like, thanks for waking me up (sarcasm). Seriously? Ahh. He told me well you can get it fixed now or drive around with a donut. I asked well where do I get it fixed, his response was look it up. I feel a husband should say, here let me find a place and well go together. Nope. I had to ask him to please call places. He did eventually. He told me the place and told me I should go now. Once again had to ask him to help me out and come with. So frustrating. Well when we went there they told us we had to have an appointment, really? They had something an hour after we went there which is just frustrating because we had to drive back home, wait 30 minutes, then go back. So frustrating. This shit always happens to me. I just got new tires a few months ago. Ahhh.