Woke up early this morning to cox for SAW at CRC. Extremely exhausted. My eyes hurt. I can never seem to get enough sleep these days. After SAW a lot of the rowers came up to me to thank me for coxing and praise me practically. I do not feel like I deserve this, but Ill take it! Got coffee with dad at Dunkin Donuts, picked up some things at target, vacuumed my car, and put air in my tires. On the way up to my apartment I asked my dad how mike was as a coxswain. He has started coxing at CRC. My dad said that Friday was the first time mike was his coxswain. My dad said that mike really pissed him off because he didnt coach them at all in the boat and during the pieces he didnt call the stroke rates up properly or at all. This made me feel great considering he thinks he is gods right hand and the best coxswain in the world. According to my father the coxswains at CRC on a daily basis from best to worst goes: Renee, Dan Allison, Mike. Out of all the CRC coxswains it goes: Gretchen, me, Renee, Dan, Allison, mom, mike. Suck it mike. Just because you trained with the national team means jack shit. I am trying to research whether I can still try out for the national team or not. I would love to try to get on a national boat!
I have been looking through photos since I began high school and I literally what to cry. I hate how I looked in most of the pictures except for the ones where I was at the height of my eating disorder. I remember thinking that when Carlos and I got married that I looked great. How did I ever think that?! I was a fucking whale. Recent pictures of me I like. Not then- gross. I will never gain that weight back. Where I am now is good. No more!
I did not get to weigh myself this morning unfortunately. Today would have been the perfect day because I actually woke up hungry. But Carlos was here and half-awake L now is a completely different story. I currently feel like an obese whale.
Im sinking to the bottom. I want to swim away but dont know how. Sometimes it just feels like Im falling in the ocean. Let the waves take me downI calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow just to prove I knew howfall into the ocean and end it all
Another set of perfect lyrics. It says it all. You can absolutely turn the lyrics into describing my eating disorder at the current moment. I am sinking, sinking fast. Sometimes I would like to swim away from where I am, but I just dont know how. I cannot get away. This is how I have been for 11 years. I dont know any different. I should just let the waves take me down to the bottom of the ocean. If I dont change something and I keep sinking, the waves will take me all the way to the bottom where I will never be able to get to the surface again. I will be gone. Swept away. It does seem like I have jumped off the bow many times. I have lost weight and have continued just to prove people wrong. Or is it to prove myself wrong? I say that I will never be able to get that low so I have to prove myself that I can. I might as well tie an anchor to myself and push myself overboard.
I have been looking through photos since I began high school and I literally what to cry. I hate how I looked in most of the pictures except for the ones where I was at the height of my eating disorder. I remember thinking that when Carlos and I got married that I looked great. How did I ever think that?! I was a fucking whale. Recent pictures of me I like. Not then- gross. I will never gain that weight back. Where I am now is good. No more!
I did not get to weigh myself this morning unfortunately. Today would have been the perfect day because I actually woke up hungry. But Carlos was here and half-awake L now is a completely different story. I currently feel like an obese whale.
Im sinking to the bottom. I want to swim away but dont know how. Sometimes it just feels like Im falling in the ocean. Let the waves take me downI calculate what I had done, like jumping from the bow just to prove I knew howfall into the ocean and end it all
Another set of perfect lyrics. It says it all. You can absolutely turn the lyrics into describing my eating disorder at the current moment. I am sinking, sinking fast. Sometimes I would like to swim away from where I am, but I just dont know how. I cannot get away. This is how I have been for 11 years. I dont know any different. I should just let the waves take me down to the bottom of the ocean. If I dont change something and I keep sinking, the waves will take me all the way to the bottom where I will never be able to get to the surface again. I will be gone. Swept away. It does seem like I have jumped off the bow many times. I have lost weight and have continued just to prove people wrong. Or is it to prove myself wrong? I say that I will never be able to get that low so I have to prove myself that I can. I might as well tie an anchor to myself and push myself overboard.
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