Todays therapy session was REALLY good. I got so much accomplished. I basically read my journal entry from wednesday to Joanna and also more information/thoughts associated with my last entry that I wrote yesterday. She thought everything I said was really good and helpful.
So...the first thing we need to figure out is "the hole". When I hear confirmation that someone loves/cares about me I feel good. But that feeling doesn't stay. It eventually goes away- and usually very quickly. Why doesn't the good feelings stay? And where does it go??
Then we can figure out why I always think the worst thing. And why to mr things are good or horrible. Why if I dont hear from someone it means that they hate me. She asked me when I started to dislike my sister and my response was "I don't hate her." she said she didn't say hate but said dislike. Well to me that is the same thing as hate. Apparently its not? To me it is. If you dont like something or someone that means you hate it/them. At least in my world. Anyways below is what I write to Joanna a little after I left.
"Joanna
Ok this is not an email about something going wrong or me wanting attention or me want reassurance. It's kind of another example of what we were talking about.
Carlos asked me how therapy went and I said well. I said I feel like I got a lot accomplished and I was pleased etc. I told him about Wednesday's session and today's. Afterwards all he said was, "good. Now when is she going to get you to eat more? That's all I care about." I responded with "I can't answer that because I don't know how."
That immediately turned me to a negative state of mind. Me thinking that what I felt that I did well was not good enough and that I failed.
I know he asked that because he cares and clearly notices the weight loss, but it frustrates me and hurts me that he only sees that. I feel that all he cares or thinks about is my
So...the first thing we need to figure out is "the hole". When I hear confirmation that someone loves/cares about me I feel good. But that feeling doesn't stay. It eventually goes away- and usually very quickly. Why doesn't the good feelings stay? And where does it go??
Then we can figure out why I always think the worst thing. And why to mr things are good or horrible. Why if I dont hear from someone it means that they hate me. She asked me when I started to dislike my sister and my response was "I don't hate her." she said she didn't say hate but said dislike. Well to me that is the same thing as hate. Apparently its not? To me it is. If you dont like something or someone that means you hate it/them. At least in my world. Anyways below is what I write to Joanna a little after I left.
"Joanna
Ok this is not an email about something going wrong or me wanting attention or me want reassurance. It's kind of another example of what we were talking about.
Carlos asked me how therapy went and I said well. I said I feel like I got a lot accomplished and I was pleased etc. I told him about Wednesday's session and today's. Afterwards all he said was, "good. Now when is she going to get you to eat more? That's all I care about." I responded with "I can't answer that because I don't know how."
That immediately turned me to a negative state of mind. Me thinking that what I felt that I did well was not good enough and that I failed.
I know he asked that because he cares and clearly notices the weight loss, but it frustrates me and hurts me that he only sees that. I feel that all he cares or thinks about is my
Replies
I really think that was a good email to your therapist... And she should be happy that you emailed her an example because you processed everything vs take it out on yourself... Great job! I know I have to email my therapist because I don\'t say much but can write it better...that way sessions go better! But again I think you did well!!
Ok ready for my genius: The feeling doesn\'t stay because you hate yourself so much that you can\'t possibly believe anybody in your right mind would love you.
Black and white thinking is so typical for us but here is an example that might help that there are grey areas: remember when you reacted a bit
strong to my journal comment. At that moment I was hurt and certainly disliked you but I didn\'t hate you at all and by now I\'m over it and love you again.
Oh and Callos is such a man. Dwayne thinks because my therapist and I don\'t talk ed 24/7 I might as well go have coffee with a girlfriend. Men want results. They deal way better with facts than feelings. I just had a talk about that with Dwayne that when I come home I need him to ask me how my head is because while my body can healthy my mind is sicker and more evil than ever.
See when I wrote those nasty responses to you I definitely thought that you hated me and would never speak to me again. Then when you did respond to me again I was beyond shocked.
Guess that\'s just another example of how I suck at life.
You don\'t suck at life, you just think you deserve the worst for some reason.