Shitty morning again. Woke up and weighed myself...gained 2lbs since Sunday. WTF?! I have gone back in my food journal and I have just been snacking during the day, not that much though. Though it's snack foods- so I have made a new goal for myself. Whatever I snack on during the day has to be fruit, veggies, or sliced fat free chicken/turkey. No more pretzels, animal crackers, trail mix, licking cake batter from bowls, etc.
I mean the weight gain from Sunday is still a loss from last Tuesday- but I wanted the maximum loss possible since I get weighed in today at my Dietitian. FUCK. Plus my scale is always lower than hers. FUCK. It will probably say I didn't lose anything. GOD DAMNIT. I even took laxies and that hasn't changed it :( What am I doing wrong!?
Yesterday therapy was good. We talked a lot and worked very hard. Even though we got much accomplished, I still feel like complete utter crap today.
First, I can't stop thinking about all we talked about yesterday. It's still hard for me to phathom how my off track thoughts could possibly be linked to something else. I know that minds are very complex and that my mind is constantly moving, but when saying that these thoughts could be connected to something else still boggles my mind. Now every time my mind goes off track (which is very frequently, though I think more so because I can't focus or sit still) I try to find the correlation to what I was talking about. So now it seems like my mind is going even more crazy. It is like I cannot control my brain.
Secondly, right before we ended Joanna asked me a question. Do I want to be able to express my feelings/thoughts to everyone, be able to find myself, find who I am, and be able to live as my own person? Or do I want to live through everyone else's thoughts/feelings and pretend to do things just to keep peace and harmony among everyone? I obviously do not like this question because I want the best of both worlds. I mean ideally I would like to find out who I am and be that person. I do not want to live through other people and pretend things forever. Though, at the same time I do not want to cause disruption among anyone. I do not want to risk any relationships. There has to be a medium or at least a way to do be myself and not get anyone mad or frustrated with me.
I mean the weight gain from Sunday is still a loss from last Tuesday- but I wanted the maximum loss possible since I get weighed in today at my Dietitian. FUCK. Plus my scale is always lower than hers. FUCK. It will probably say I didn't lose anything. GOD DAMNIT. I even took laxies and that hasn't changed it :( What am I doing wrong!?
Yesterday therapy was good. We talked a lot and worked very hard. Even though we got much accomplished, I still feel like complete utter crap today.
First, I can't stop thinking about all we talked about yesterday. It's still hard for me to phathom how my off track thoughts could possibly be linked to something else. I know that minds are very complex and that my mind is constantly moving, but when saying that these thoughts could be connected to something else still boggles my mind. Now every time my mind goes off track (which is very frequently, though I think more so because I can't focus or sit still) I try to find the correlation to what I was talking about. So now it seems like my mind is going even more crazy. It is like I cannot control my brain.
Secondly, right before we ended Joanna asked me a question. Do I want to be able to express my feelings/thoughts to everyone, be able to find myself, find who I am, and be able to live as my own person? Or do I want to live through everyone else's thoughts/feelings and pretend to do things just to keep peace and harmony among everyone? I obviously do not like this question because I want the best of both worlds. I mean ideally I would like to find out who I am and be that person. I do not want to live through other people and pretend things forever. Though, at the same time I do not want to cause disruption among anyone. I do not want to risk any relationships. There has to be a medium or at least a way to do be myself and not get anyone mad or frustrated with me.
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