12 Years - No Better
I don't know how to start this journal. Just that my heart is broken. Monday will be 12 years and doesn't get any better. You would think it would be it don't. I have been angry and pissed off with the world. This is supposed to be the happiest time of the year, but not for me. It never will again. I have held it together pretty well. This morning my boys at work saw my mask come off. Tears and more tears. Left the office to pull myself together. I called my boss lady that I love dearly. I could bearly speak. I told her I was leaving the office for a bit. I told her I was going to the cemetery. The next thing out of her mouth was why go there. You don't need to go there. There is nothing there. Mind you I love this woman. But damn. How you say that to someone???? My heart aches for missing Josh so damn much. I have been on this journey long enough to know that the days before the date are the worst. And they are. I went to the cemetery and looked at my beautiful boys face on his stone. I needed to time this morning to grieve. Yes 12 years and still grieving. As I tell myself this to shall pass and it will. I knew I could come here. Come to people who understand.
Replies
Allow those tears to flow as you are dearest Rhonda, and oh, how shattered I know your heart feels. Your Josh, your peace loving son and so much more should BE here now and twelve years is just too long to not have his physical presence with you.
It takes courage to let those masks slip and come off and you did just what you needed to do by going to the cemetery, anywhere you could feel a connection with Josh. Yes, these are tough days leading up and the time of year where everyone is supposed to be feeling "joy" "jolly" spending family time, and a huge piece of yours is no longer with you in the ways always hoped for. This is an added level of pain to be carrying.
I'm with you, I care and I'm grateful that you know where you can come to felt heard and understood. That's all we can offer, yet it's all we truly need, isn't it?
I am sending you the tightest heart (((hugs))) of love and the deepest understanding that I have dearest Rhonda.
Josh, Josh, JOSH! Let your mama feel you in only the way that a mother can and stay close to your amazing parents.
Love YOU and I do feel and hear your heart.
Hand in hand, Heart to heart always,
XO Joanie
And, you said that you didn't "know how to start this journal" yet what you did do is just that. You began and so often I believe we "stop" ourselves because we don't believe that what we are feeling and experiencing is worthy to be noted in this way. Nothing could be further from the truth, because when you write and share you help others who are feeling very much the way that you are and perhaps have not found themselves putting their thoughts into words "yet" but here they are. Written down as if from them and what a relief and a healing it IS to feel that ongoing connection with our sisters of the heart.
It takes courage to put ourselves "out here" as we do and it's in the sharing that we are healed because at this time of year when everything feels so shiny and bright and perhaps we don't feel that way and the simple knowing that others get it is how we can feel that sense of community again and not isolated in our own grief. It's a collective grief and a collective healing and companioning that keeps us going, isn't it?
That came in so strongly for me as I was thinking about your journal Josh's mom.
Bunches of (((hugs))) as you say right back to YOU.
I so understand - people just don't know what they are saying - hurts and makes me angry @ the same time. Yep, I've been angry for 5 years - I have a very short fuse - I just don't care half the time, because the most important person in my life is not here with me.....Rhonda, my heart hurts with you - I hate that your boss lady said what she said to you......I hate that at times it's a lonely walk missing our kids.......I love that you wrote your journal - reminds me how much we need each other because we truly get it.......
Sending hugs and love to YOU..........Vicki
I am so glad that you were able to come here where you know we understand. Like you said 12 years and the days leading up to the actual day that we lost our sons are unbearable. This past September it was 13 years since we lost our Jeff and I couldn't help it but when the flood waters of tears started it was like it was happening all over again.
I am amazed at how your boss lady (your friend) handled the situation. I always say when people say stupid things to me "I hope you never know this pain". This pain we carry every day. We learn to live somehow but it is always there. I am like Vicki it hurts and makes me angry at the same time.
Tight hugs and I am remembering you and your Josh today.
Love, Nell, Jeff's Mom
I'll call you tomorrow. I love you, and Josh reading this AFTER our last conversation.
You are so right. It really doesn't get easier. Christmas has not been merry for 9 years. 'Love and tight hugs