12:19 am Monday June 2nd

Can't get to sleep but I told him how I felt after reading all his journals and I honestly feel horrible for not being there for him more. I feel so damn selfish. He is probably the most wonderful guy the world has to offer and I don't deserve his love and affection.
I woke up again today and cried when I looked in the mirror. I am so fat and ugly. How could anyone want me... Every part on my body is fat. My stupid fat thighs. My huge stomach and ass and arms and my nasty love handles. I just wish I could be skinny like a model in a magazine with a flat tummy, perfect perky boobs, killer ass, skinny thighs that don't touch. But no. I get to be fat. I was doing so well to. I went all day without eating but again failed around 8:30 when I are after my exercises.. Why can't I be skinny and beautiful and perfect like other girls? On the plus side I am now 17 days clean. Yay me. I guess. I keep getting the urge to cut and swallow all these pills but I don't. And wen I dream about it I wake up in a panic. As well as the dreams of my sweet little Avenleah.. Oh I miss her so badly.. I know I would have been a great mother.. She would have been about 15 months now.. She would have been so beautiful.. I'm just gonna end this so I can go cry and reply to my texts.. Goodnight anyone who cares to read this. Lol no one? Cool it's okay. I'm not very interesting anyways. Sweet dreams