12/09/08

hi to all of you, my new friends, whom i know i will treasure forever and evermore.  i am new to the list, and some of you have asked about jessy, and i am only too happy  cos i need to tell. jessy was born on 25 November 1995, there were problems at birth and jessy was severely deprived of oxygen.  she was severely brain damaged, born with apgars of 1 and 3. jessy could not do anything, and i made one decision from the beginning.. i was going to show this little soul love, love, love.  i also had so many dreams and hopes for her, and schlepped her off to physio and OT, and speech therapy.  but as the years went on it was revealed to me the extent of her damage. jessy was like a floppy doll, so to speak. she was 100% dependent on me. she could not walk or talk, and was in diapers always.  she only had limited vision, she had severe epilepsy and lung problems. life was in and out of hospital always.  there were SO many times when doctors were adiment that she would not pull through, but jessy continued to defy medicine, to defy science! jessy's soul was INDESCRIBABLE, and there's one thing i feel so happy about. that is, i gave my everything to teach her how to laugh, how to be happy - i know that probably sounds weird to you, but another time i will explain.  bottom line is, jessy LOVED LIFE. she loved festivity, and at every  birthday party she shrieked and clapped with joy, she made SUCH a noise, and everyone loved her. her being was so alive, so real, her presence was so felt.  one of these days i will attach her photo. as you would understand, i was very very close to jessy, i was the only one who understood her, and she depended on me for her very life. i loved her beyond comprehension. the fight for life went on and on, she fought, and i fought for her.  I had 3 more children, bless them they are all well and healthy - well, my 10 year old has bipolar - another story.  and in 2003, when i was pregnant with the fourth one, my husband decided he couldn't live this INTENSE LIFE OF DISABILITY etc etc, anymore, and he picked up and left. i cannot begin to explain the pain, the fear, the next 4 years.  anyway, i got through it with the help and support of my family and community.  i got involved with a very special man, something i wasn't even thinking of.  in december 2007 we got married.  i have the most magnificent photo of jessy looking at me on the day, i will post it. after that jessy seemed to weaken. but this time something was different, jessy was not showing recovery after 3 or 4 weeks like she always did.  over the next 3/4 months she weakened, stopped eating and drinking. she was dripped, later fed naso gastric, eventually had a gastrostomy, fed straight through a tube into the tummy. there were so many people involved. i think i knew jessy was going.  from about february her sould just didn't seem that alive any more, a lot of the time she seemed far away and was no longer shrieking.  i knew.   and i got so sick with panic and helplessness, i began to vomit every day.  i was with her all the time.  i ALWAYS helped my baby, from resucitating her, to correcting her feet position to make her comfortable. and now everything possible seemed to be done. i didn't know what else to do to help my baby.  doctors said it was over, her body just couldn't fight anymore.  the day before, (i am jewish) the rabbi explained to me that the doctors have said that jessy just cannot anymore, and her seeming far away, was like she was already connecting with G-d.  they told me she is going home, she will be at peace, pain free. she just cannot anymore. i lay next to her in the hospital in the night, and i talked to her a lot.  i vomited a lot in the bathroom. after TWELVE YEARS AND 5 MONTHS my baby was dying. and i couldn;t stop it.  in the morning her breathing was very shallow, i was with her all the time.  it was 24 april this year, 2008. at 10h50 she stopped breathing.  people say everything in the world to me to try to help me. some does help an inkling. most does not help at all. i know they ALL mean well, and cannot themselves bear to see me in my pain, and probably themselves feel helpless. but in my heart only i know, and will ever know, the love i have for jessy, the pain i have, the deep deep soul battle i have day after day, in having lost my baby.