I don't know why I keep telling myself that everything is okay and that I am fine, when really I know that I am not fine and things are not going to be okay.  I have no hope for the future of any kind.  I am never going to great better and nothing is ever going to go right.  I know that nothing I do matters or has any value to it. 
I am still struggling with cutting.   Cutting relaxes me when I am stressed and it also calms me down when I am angry or upset.  I have so many cuts and scars that when we go to the beach my parents will ask what happened.  Luckly my swimsuit has alittle skirt to it so most of the scars will be hidden.  Living in Florida means that we will go to the beach alot, specially when my aunt and grandmother come down in August. 
My doctor has moved up my appointment by two months, I guess she is pretty concerned about me.  I have talked with her twice last week and then talked to her office assistant today and updated her on how I was feeling.  This is one reason I like this doctor compared to my old doctor.  She seems to be concerned when things aren't going right, she not only changes medicine dosages but wants to see me to make sure that the medicine is working or if she needs to change them.  I know driving two hours for an appointment is strange but I like her and also like my therapist.