well it was 1 year ago today that i was filling out all that paperwork /testing stuff to start what I thought was going to be a bright new future in my home state at a former employer with an old friend from reno days. my my my have things changed since. i sure remember him saying to me that i needed to cover my bases with other opportunities but i sure didn't do a good job of that. just seems that i locked on to the possibility of design build/etc with that school project that left me risking losing that thing because so many things needed to line up. would the change to go there really have helped me/family ? money issues would not have changed really that much, but would be in a better place to get outside more, and had a change in scenery to put this house/etc behind me. i still think that it will happen since the current situation is not the greatest.still is painful to look at what could have been in the previous assignment/job also. i know that the money would not  have been the 150k that was probably needed but so what, it would have gotten me HOME. i can still remember how that nice warmth felt getting out of that car last may when i went for the interviews and such, and why i choose to stay here and be miserable because i am afraid of running out of money in bay area is just really pathetic. absoletely pathetic. if i don't have the opportunity to grow to next level thru market opportunities, and experieces then how am i going to get my valley children's hospital/etc ? how will i ever get beyond being someone's helper ? it is all so clear to me sometimes but very unclear at other times.