am feeling incredibly exhausted today since i was up at 3 am stressing out about today and the things that i am working on currently. has been kind of nice not having a certain person around this week constantly asking "how's this going" hows that going. i guess if i said more then that wouldn't happen as much.seems as if i am picking up the slack for first brian, then my friend next door as he goes thru his life changes. wonder if that will happen to me someday ? kind of weird as i have thought about it at one time or another.i stood on that street downtown today looking up at that sheraton and it was almost painful what i have reduced myself to. it is totally true what those two said when i had my explosions last spring. how could i have been such a stupid ass ? where does your brain go these days ? anxiety and depression just seem to run my life and it is getting to be a really tough battle to face.so I ask myself this.....................would things really be better if i were in one of those other situations in another state ? change of scenery would do me good. could get that with just doing different things on the weekends and not spending my time at home depot/etc. i do miss certain folks that i never see any more but i suppose at some point that i have to make my own life for myself. hard to do when in constant flux with changeing locales/etc.it is getting harder and harder to paint on a smile everyday and i think people are really starting to notice it. it gets hard to climb out of this pit that depression creates. i have to get some new life balance focus issues in balance and maybe this is the chance in my life to work on that and that alone. just cannot believe how much i see the world thru the negative goggles of this condition and the fact that it affects me so much.i just don't think i would ever become one of those people that treats their job a just a place to show up to put in 8 hours and leave. that would mean that all i would have to do is just come in and screw off for 8 hours and leave, or just do enough to keep someone off my back. i am tired. just need a place to get this out of me and i will do a better job of doing just that. need healing